What is a ghouls favorite flavor?

Lemon-slime…

Twas the Night After Christmas

by Jeff Foxworthy

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they werent talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.

My wife couldnt argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin,
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.

I said, Claus, I dont know nobody named Claus,
and you aint taking me in without probable cause.

Then the Sheriff he said, The man was shot at last night.
I said, That might have been me, just whats he look like?

The Sheriff replied, Hes a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.
I said, Sheriff that sounds like my wifes sister Sherri.

Its no time for jokes Roy the Sheriff he said.
The man Im describing is dressed all in red.

Im here for the truth now, its time to come clean.
Tell me what youve done, tell me what youve seen.

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldnt have been the first time that Ive spent New Years in jail.

I said, Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFOs.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Reds gutter.

Well my hands were a shakin as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Reds chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin.
I thought hed stolen Reds stuff while old Red was out bowling.

So I yelled, Drop fat boy, hands in the air!
But he went about his business like he hadnt a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.

And as he flew off I heard him extort,
Thats assault with intent Roy, Ill see ya in court.

God is as real as I am, the old man said.
My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie.

The Gingrinch that stole Xmas
By Mark D. Harmon
(journalism and broadcasting Prof. at Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas.)

All the Whos down in Whoville took little note. Some listened to fear. Some didnt vote. Little did they know a Gingrinch did lurk. Hed been scheming for years to do evil work. The Whos were surprised, to find in everyones house, a fat grinning rat dressed as a church mouse.

Im the Gingrinch, he bleated. You Whos must be told that hopes been defeated. The Whos looked around in shock and dismay. Who could have dreamed such a strange thing to say? The Gingrinch, however, took little heed. He had an agenda; it started with greed.

The Gingrinch chortled and let out a hideous laugh. He bellowed and beckoned and brought out his staff. This is Jesse, Strom, Alphonse, Henry, Bob, and Kay–we have so much contract work to do today. We intend to change Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Weve got a new message; weve made a new reason.

The Whos looked surprised at the motley rat crew, but the Gingrinch insisted they knew what to do. Christmas now will mean so much more. Christmas now, Gingrinch sneered, will mean blaming the poor.

Its their fault, he drooled, that they face gloom and doom. If they had any sense, theyd come out of a different womb. The Who families held hands, grimaced and snuggled. They remembered how together they had worked and struggled. The Gingrinch, however, blabbed on unabated. He knew what he wanted; he knew who he hated.

This Head Start, the Gingrinch said very slow. It teaches kids to think. It helps them to grow. This Head Start, he scowled, is the first thing to go. Then abortion is next, dictated the Gingrinch, but care for a child gets none of our worth. Life begins at conception and ends at birth. Then he took away job training, food stamps, and student loans. He heard all the pain; the Gingrinch liked to hear groans.

Now lets give to the rich; theyve got it already. It keeps my campaign contributions rolling in steady. And Im tough on crime, thats what Im sellin – excepting, of course, those poor S&L felons. Remember that I want to keep you all free. Lets start by making you pray like me.

All the Whos now were praying the nightmare would end, but the Gingrinch kept planning to borrow and spend. With each falling snowflake, the Gingrinch grew bolder, and the Whos remembered his ideas were much older.

I want noise, lots of toys. Set my mind to race. I want tanks, bazookas, and lasers in space. The Gingrinch insisted, Raid the pensions. Tax the poor. This voodoo will work, this time, Im sure. Why I even dare to cut Medicare. Ill need all this loot, and well find a new enemy or my name isnt Newt!

That Christmas in Whoville tested the spirit of Yule. Few Whos could afford to pay Newts private school. Holly cost dearly, so Whos sprinkled twigs with sage. Then Gingrinch abolished the minimum wage. Who children missed the animals that used to freely roam.

The Gingrinch had sold off the parks they called home. Belching pipes now polluted the water and air. Sick and old couldnt pay for the simplest care.

Yet on Christmas Eve as the stars shone through the haze, Whos ventured out with a determined gaze. They held hands and sung, Who Who Hooray. Der flugel. Der flugel. Callou and callay. Welcome Christmas. Christmas Day. Bahoo Dore. Sing of cheer. Sing of whos far and near. Sing of whos no longer fearing. The Gingrinch is going, election day is nearing.

2 Cold Street

North Pole, Canada

H0H 0H0



I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from The Twelve Days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with VD from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.



On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.



Sincerely,

Santa

The question this time, from the mens side of the table: what should you do when the women youre with asks you: What are you thinking?



Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico. Regardless of what youre doing, you must come up with a complete and satisfactory answer, or stand accused of Hiding Your True Feelings. Which means, of course, youll spend the next week pretending to be sorry. So youve got to come up with something. And it had better be good.



Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what were thinking? Simple: they assume were thinking in the first place. Hard to believe, but there it is.



Why on earth would they think that? Well, go up to a woman and ask her what she is thinking. I have just done so with my wife, and this is what she is thinking about:



Off the top of my head, Im thinking about the party were having Saturday, and how Im going to fix that chandelier in the front room so that people can walk around without hitting their heads. Underneath that Im thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not Im going to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as well. And under that Im wondering if its too late to get tickets on a plane to Ohio for Christmas. AND Im thinking about getting a snack.



Not only is she thinking about something, shes thinking about four separate things. If I check back in five minutes, shell still be thinking. Women are always thinking, and often about practical things.



Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out of every hour (usually not in sequence). So, at best, you have a one in 12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought. What are we thinking about?



1. Sex

2. Food

3. Steve Miller tunes

4. Sports

5. Beavis and Butthead

6. Sex

7. Work

8. The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence, and whether a benevolent and omnipotent higher power can possibly exist within it (or Beer)

9. Sleep

10. Sex



In summary, randomly asking a man what hes thinking has precisely a 8.83% chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought. You might as well bet on the New York Jets. Sound harsh, guys? Fine. Quick–what are you thinking? Had to think about it, didnt you. You lose. Sit down.



Despite the overwhelming evidence that men, in fact, are almost never thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts. In a way, its touching; women are expressing faith that, if prodded long enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we think in an

hour. And they will. Unfortunately, most of what well be thinking is stop asking me what Im thinking. And thats just going to get us in trouble.



The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorized answer for the times that she does. Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and cons of each:



Im thinking that tonight itd be nice to stay at home and sit by the fire together.



Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if youre spontaneous.

Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and ventilation); Romantic moments often prompt even more What are you thinking queries.



Im thinking how much I love you.



Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuits any need for further conversation; Is often also true.

Cons: If you use it too much, shell know its a line, and then youre really in trouble.



I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets.



Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker.

Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the same sort of alien sigmoidoscopy story that ruined her last relationship.



I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of animal Id be.



Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying to establish your place in the animal kingdom.

Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or skunk; She may forego the animal world altogether and go straight to yeasts.



Im just thinking about how true the lyrics to Dust in the Wind really are.



Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall conversation, you may break out into song.

Cons: If shes a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you may find yourself in a bitter, divisive quarrel about which is deeper, Dust or Aerosmiths Dream On.



Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual thought. If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go ahead and share it, as long as its not something along the lines of This relationship blows or I really like margarine. With a little practice, you should come out okay.



But, hey. Thats just what I think.

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because its the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

You cant pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating dos and donts … eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?

I didnt think so. Isnt mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, youll be fat and happy. So what if you dont make it to New Years? Your pants wont fit anymore, anyway.

About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where theyre serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can … and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, its rare. In fact, its even rarer than single-malt scotch. You cant find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? Its not as if youre going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. Its a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. Its later than you think. Its Holiday Time!
If something comes with gravy, use it. Thats the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if theyre made with skim milk or whole milk. If its skim, pass. Why bother? Its like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free … lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which youll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and dont budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. Theyre like a beautiful pair of shoes. You cant leave them behind. Youre not going to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you dont like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, woman! (Unless it was my Moms fruitcake, then you have to have two thin slices. Mustve been the rum she soaked it in for 2 months.)
And one final tip: If you dont feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you havent been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

The Internet Explained

(This is a VERY long joke – but quite amusing)





NOTE: This is a pretty long piece, but we figured that if youre stuck in the office or at home for the weekend, you have some time to kick back and read. Its really good

So here it is – The Internet Explained



Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?

A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,

business, and private computer systems.



Q. Who runs it?

A. A 13-year-old named Jason.



Q. How can I get on the Internet?

A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular

commercialon-line services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America

Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just

leave your house unlocked, theyll sneak in some night and install their

programs on your computer when youre sleeping. They really want your

business.



Q. What are the benefits of these services? A. The major benefit is that

they all have simple, user-friendly interfaces that enable you-even if

you have no previous computer experience-to provide the on-line services

with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your

credit card bill forever.



Q. What if I die?

A. They dont care.



Q. Cant I cancel my account?

A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.



Q. How?

A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for

ears to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do,

the charges keep appearing on our bills. Were thinking of entering the

Federal Witness Protection Program.



Q. What if I have children?

A. Youll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.



Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?

A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to

the on-line service right now.



Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once Im connected

to an on-line service?

A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!



Q. Like what?

A. You can … ummmm … OK! I have one! You can chat.



Q. Chat?

A. Chat.



Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.

A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over

the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are

boring and stupid!



Q. Sounds great! How does it work?

A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some

areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest

groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay

Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having

Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can

contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake

names such as ByteMe2 so nobody will know their real identities.



Q. What are their real identities?

A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in

all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers

to wranglers, from actors to athletes – you could be talking to almost

anybody on the Internet!



Q. Really?

A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed

13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,

singers, etc.



Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? A. Most chat-area discussions

revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the

chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody

lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is

interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to

women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, heres

a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this

scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):



LilBrisket: Hi everybody

Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket

Toadster: Hi Bris

Lungftook: Hi B

LilBrisket: Whats going on?

Toadster: Not much

Lungftook: Pretty quiet



(LONGISH PAUSE)



Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?

LilBrisket: No

Toadster: Nope

Lungftook: Sorry



(LONGISH PAUSE)



UvulaBob: Hi everybody

Toadster: Hi UvulaBob

Lungftook: Hi Uvula

LilBrisket: Hi UB

Wazootyman: Hi U

UvulaBob: Whats happening?

LilBrisket: Kinda slow

Toadster: Same old same old

Lungflook: Pretty quiet

Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties

LilBrisket: OK, but Im a man



(LONGISH PAUSE)



Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?

UvulaBob: No.



(LONGISH PAUSE)



Lungftook: Well, gotta run.

Toadster.- bye, Lungflook

LilBrisket: Take er easy, Lungster

Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung

UvulaBob: So long, L



(LONGISH PAUSE)



PolypMaster: Hi everybody

LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster

Toadster: Yo, Polyp

UvulaBob: Hi, P

PolypMaster: Whats going on?

LilBrisket: Not much

Toadster: Pretty quiet

UvulaBob: Kinda slow …



And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the

ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some

fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or

not PolypMaster comes from Texas.



Q. Ive heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have

cybersex. What exactly is that?

A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other,

back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter,

faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD

they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get

my drift.



Q. Thats disgusting!

A. Yes.



Q. Could you give an example?

A. Certainly:



Born2Bone: I want you NOW

HunniBunni: I want YOU now

Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes

HunniBunni: Yes! YES!

Born2Bone: Im taking off your clothes

HunniBunni: OH YESSSS



(LONGISH PAUSE)



HunniBunni: Is something wrong?

Born2Bone: I cant unhook your brassiere

HunniBunni: Ill do it

Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! Im touching your, umm, your…

HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?

Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! Im touching them!

HunniBunni: YES!

Born2Bone: Both of them!

HunniBunni: YESSS!!

Born2Bone: Im taking off your panties!

HunniBunni: You already did.

Born2Bone: Oh, OK. Youre naked! Im touching your entire nakedness!

HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?

Born2Bone: No

HunniBunni: No

Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!

HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING

BULL STALLION!

Wazootyman: Hey, thanks

HunniBunni: Not you

Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM



THRUSTING MY … MY … ummm …

HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?

Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR … YOUR…

HunniBunni: Promise you wont laugh?

Born2Bone: Yes

HunniBunni: My passion persimmon

Born2Bone: Ha ha!

HunniBunni: You promised!

Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF

LOVE

INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON! HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!

Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!

HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!

Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE …

HunniBunni: Like what?

Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD … OHMIGOD …

HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!

Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE… IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN

THE SENATE!

HunniBunni: What did you say?

Born2Bone: Whoops

HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?

Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was …

HunniBunni: This is you, isnt it, Al? ISNT IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU

WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!

Born2Bone: Tipper?

HunniBunni.- Whoops



Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet? A. You can join

one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss

political topics of the day.



Q. Like what?

A. Barry Manilow.



Q. Theres a forum for Barry Manilow?

A. Theres a forum for everything.



Q. What happens on these forums?

A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about

how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting

messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes

the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate

Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry countermessages and vicious

name-calling that can go on for months.



Q. Just like junior high school!

A. But even more pointless.



Q. Are there forums about sex?

A. Zillions of them.



Q. What do people talk about on those?

A. Barry Manilow.



Q. No, really.

A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often youll

find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human

understanding.



Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.

A. It is.



Q. What is the World Wide Web?

A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you

can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite

range of topics. This information is stored on Web pages, which are

maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special

software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen

to all kinds of cool stuff.



Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?

A. Its easy! Suppose youre interested in buying a boat from an

Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and

specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up

your World Wide Web software and type in the companys Web page address,

which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters

like this:



http//:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum





Q. What if I type one single character wrong?

A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.



Q. Ah.

A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press

Enter, and there you are!



Q. Where?

A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen.

It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean

in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to

what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of

light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles..

It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at

the boats in person.



Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?

A. Heck no! If youre willing to be patient, youll find that you can

utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you

never before dreamed possible.



Q. For example?

A. For example, recently I was messing around with a Web browser, which

is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace – millions

of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You

can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the

Internet about that topic; its an incredibly powerful research tool.



Q. That is truly beautiful.

A. Yes. And its just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny

fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff

out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on

there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Dont be afraid! Be like the

bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address:

ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters,

fearful of what

you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime

saying: If you dont leave the land, then youll probably never have a

chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from

the mucous membranes.



So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier,

with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the

betterment of the human race!



Wazootyman is waiting for you.

What is Draculas favorite kind of dog?

A blood hound.

Jan. 1 2002
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.

Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholls shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.

Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.

Jan. 26
Review the Christmas 96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan. 31
Gild lilies.

4th RunnerUp

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skaters rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.



3rd RunnerUp



Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.



2nd RunnerUp



The Why Yawning Is Contagious Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other peoples ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.



1st RunnerUp



If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.



HONORABLE MENTION:



The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian pahks his cah, the lost rs migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh his car and invest in erl wells.



THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:



When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A buttered-cat array could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and giant buttered-cat arrays could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.