Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, Its something like your sisters room, but without a stereo.

– You lose arguments with inanimate objects

-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

-Your career wont progress beyond senator from Massachusetts.

-You sincerely belive alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group

-That damned pink elephant followed you home again

-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

-Every woman you see has an exact twin

-You discover in the morning that you liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.

-Five beers have just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner

-The glass keeps missing your mouth.

-When you go to donate blood, they ask what proof it is

-Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after bitting you

-You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

-Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer

-You wake up in the bedroom still clothed, but your underwear is in the bathroom

-Even rednecks have stopped doing jokes about your drinking

Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the block,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Kotch.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, theyd all still be there.

Me an this skank, were just getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for her head.
When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!

I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin fat guy!
With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight he looked, just like Dom DeLouise.

He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof, it became clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!

Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!

He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didnt see blood.
Instead he rolled over, looked me in the eye.
When I saw who Id hit, I near started to cry.

I said Hey yo Santa, Im sorry all right?
Not for nuttin he said, but this just aint my night!
I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns.
Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolfs got the runs …

Im out all freakin night, Im bustin my hump.
But I cant finish now, not with this lump!
So do me a favor, and be a real pal.
Take over for me…be Santa Sal.

I say Yo! Im from Brooklyn, I aint right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.
He made me a offer, I couldnt refuse.
Stop at every house … except for the Jews!

I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.
Took off on my mission, didnt want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin my date.

That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you dont believe that…hey, jingle dis!
Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, cause hes fat, and hes old.

Im his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, dont you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
Merry Christmas to all, thanks alot … eh – shutup!

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting – even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said U.S. POSTMAN.

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

Now Dillards, now Broadways, now Pennys and Sears
Heres Levitzs and Targets and Mervyns – all here!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOULL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat. Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree. Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard. Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush. Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy. Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet. Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cats litter box. Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy) Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me. Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time (thou has been neutered) Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company. Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow. Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m. Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish; they just never remove it.
Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta release schedule.
Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas, but use them more than he does.
Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
Real engineers dont shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of efficiency.
Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.
Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while programming.
Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicorias Secrest because they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras before buying them.
Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement tools in their science kits.
Real engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
Real engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same time.
Real engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
Real engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when doing counted cross stitch.
Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even during labor.
Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking the PE exam.
Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between contractions.
Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide documentation on how to cut them!)
Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; theyd like to, but they cant!

A College Christmas

Twas the night before finals,



And all through the college,



The students were praying



For last minute knowledge.



Most were quite sleepy,



But none touched their beds,



While visions of essays



danced in their heads.



Out in the taverns,



A few were still drinking,



And hoping that liquor



would loosen up their thinking.



In my own apartment,



I had been pacing,



And dreading exams



I soon would be facing.



My roommate was speechless,



His nose in his books,



And my comments to him



Drew unfriendly looks.



I drained all the coffee,



And brewed a new pot,



No longer caring



That my nerves were shot.



I stared at my notes,



But my thoughts were muddy,



My eyes went ablur,



I just couldnt study.



Some pizza might help,



I said with a shiver,



But each place I called



Refused to deliver.



Id nearly concluded



That life was too cruel,



With futures depending



On grades had in school.



When all of a sudden,



Our door opened wide,



And Patron Saint Put It Off



Ambled inside.



Her spirit was careless,



Her manner was mellow,



She started to bellow:



What kind of student



Would make such a fuss,



To toss back at teachers



What they tossed at us?



On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!



On Last Years Exams!



On Wingit and Slingit,



And Last Minute Crams!



Her message delivered,



She vanished from sight,



But we heard her laughing



Outside in the night.



Your teachers have pegged you,



So just do your best.



Happy Finals to All,



And to All, a good test.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of Sweating to the Oldies over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now.
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce No, wait, I messed it up! and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog Dog.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with Thats what YOU think.
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off in case the big one comes.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as Feliz Navidad, the Archies Sugar or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that youve borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to interface with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your superior mental processing.
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!
* Finish all your sentences with the words in accordance with prophesy.
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a magic picture.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate crop circles in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend tricorder and scan people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that Id wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptations removed Ill get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning Ill starve . . . til I take that first bite.

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. I cant believe it! Ive got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I dont even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isnt even back yet! What am I going to do?

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass …