Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isnt that grand?

You might be a redneck if. . .



You think harass is two words.

You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have more dogs than the local shelter.

You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.

Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.



How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, Ive gotta leak in my sink, and the person at the front desk says, Go ahead!



Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!



Why did God invent armadillos?

So that rednecks can have possum on the halfshell!



Definition of an Arkansas Virgin:

A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that Id wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptations removed Ill get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning Ill starve … til I take that first bite.

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.



The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.



I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.



As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:



The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.



The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.



The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.



The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.



The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.



The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.



The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.



As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.



Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.



Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.



Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.



We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.



Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing).



Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



Happy Holidays!

I got these from a friend of mine, who got them from a BBS in
New Orleans. I have changed Wesleys so that the chorus goes
teenaged boy instead of only a boy; I think it sings a
little easier this way.

From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let it Snow)

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go–
make it so, make it so, make it so.

From William Riker (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Heres a vexing Christmas riddle
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
How can I impress Deanna
(fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When Im number two banana?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

From Wesley Crusher (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

Im at Starfleet Academy and Id just like to say
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day–
To make things worse I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes Im bright, though Im just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy.

From Data

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh–

or so I am reliably informed,
lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived
referent for the term fun, I am able only
to report the phenomenon as experienced by others,
whose individual perceptions somewhat color the–
yes, sir.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of … Black November;

Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day youll get six meals instead of just three,

And soon youll be thick, where once you were thin,
And youll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

And then one morning, when youre warm in your bed,
Inll burst the farmers wife, and hack off your head;

Then shell pluck out all your feathers so youre bald n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin in the sink;

And then comes the worst part he said not bluffing,
Shell spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
Id have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now Im a pet in the farmers wifes lap;
I havent a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said Christmas is coming …

[Thanks to Dick Wells]

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.



Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.

Copied from the Houston Chronicle:

Language changes to reflect cultural shifts. And in this period of skill shortages, flexible work arrangements and global business deals, new workplace jargon was bound to pop up. So youre not caught off-guard at the next corporate luncheon when someone refers their employee as a job vacuum or border crosser, heres a handy reference guide courtesy of Challenger, Gray & Christmas, the Chicago outplacement firm.

Job vacuums:
Employees who voluntarily sweep up extra duties; show strong work ethic.
Border Crossers:
Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm.
Soft benefits:
Nonmonetary enhancements.
People churner:
A bad boss who often is blamed when a company cant retain its key employees.
Protected class:
Rank and file employees with critical job skills.
Boomerang workers:
Retirees returning to their previous employer.
Toxic:
Worker with anti-management reputation who is often litigious.

Okay, Im a hypocrite. (Hippycrite?) Sue me. I used to like Christmas back then. Besides, it took me ages to find this, so you are getting it whether you want it or not.

From the Bench Racer 1962, stolen from the Foothills Street Rod Association at fsra.org

YULESVILLE

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the pad,
Not a hep cat was swinging – and thats nowhere, dad,

The stove was hung up in that stocking routine,
Like, maybe the fat man would soon make the scene.

The kids that fell by had just made the street;
I was ready for Snoresville, and man, was I beat;

When there started a rumble that came on real frantic,
So I opened the window to figure the panic.

I saw a slick rod that was making fat tracks,
Souped up by eight ponies, all wearing hat racks;

And a funny old geezer was flipping his lid.
He told them to make it, and man, like they did!

They were out of the chute, making time like a bat,
Turning the quarter in eight seconds flat.

They parked by the smokestack in bunches and clusters,
And Chubby slid down, coming on like gangbusters,

His threads were from Cubesville and I had to chuckle,
In front, not in back, was his Ivy league buckle!

And the mop on his chin had a button-down collar,
And with that red nose he looked like a baller.

Like he was the squarest, the most absolute,
But lets face it, who cares when he left all that loot?

He laid the jazz on me and peeled from the gig,
Wailing, Have a cool Yule, Man! and clutched off in his rig.

[Forwarded by my friend Rick; original author unknown.]

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if…

your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
you have a shuttle called Billy Joe Bob
he refers to Klingons as Critters
he refers to Photon Torpedoes as Popguns
he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
he says, Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing
frequencies
he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
he says, Yee-Ha! instead of Engage
he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
he insists on calling his executive officer Bubba
he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of Bassmaster
he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
he paints the starship John Deere green
he refers to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special
he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp
his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
he sings Lucille instead of Kathleen
his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
his idea of a gas giant is that big ol XO Bubba after a meal of beans
and weenies
he sets phaser to Cajun