From the Zeitgeist column of The Guardian Weekend (18 Dec 1993)

On his LBC show last week, Sun* columnist Richard Littlejohn railed against a politically correct nursery school in Essex, whose Christmas play featured not Santa Claus but MOTHER Christmas (to explore issues of femininity and feminism).

Littlejohn complained that it was using Christmas to indoctrinate children and that it debases and devalues Christmas

Mother Christmas doesnt exist! he protested.

Zeitgeist hates to be the one to have to tell him, but someones got to; Richard, neither does FATHER Christmas.

( * The Sun is a rabidly right-wing daily tabloid, aimed at people who do not need to take their shoes and socks off to register their IQ score.)

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.

The dining room table with clutter was spread

With pedigree charts and with letters which said …

Too bad about the data for which you wrote

Sank in a storm on an ill fated boat.

Stacks of old copies of wills and the such

Were proof that my work had become much too much.

Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.

And I at my table was ready to drop

From work on my album with photos to crop.

Christmas was here, and of such was my lot

That presents and goodies and toys I forgot.

Had I not been so busy with grandparents wills,

Id not have forgotten to shop for such thrills.

While others had bought gifts that would bring Christmas cheer;

Id spent time researching those birth dates and years.

While I was thus musing about my sad plight,

A strange noise on the lawn gave me such a great fright.

Away to the window I flew in a flash,

Tore open the drapes and I yanked up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But an overstuffed sleigh and eight small reindeer.

Up to the housetop the reindeer they flew,

With a sleigh full of toys, and old Santa Claus too.

And then in a twinkle, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of thirty-two hoofs.

The TV antenna was no match for their horns,

And look at our roof with hoof-prints adorned.

As I drew in my head, and bumped it on the sash,

Down the cold chimney fell Santa – KER-RASH!

Dear Santa had come from the roof in a wreck,

And tracked soot on the carpet, (I could wring his short neck!)

Spotting my face, good old Santa could see

I had no Christmas spirit, youd have to agree.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

And filled all the stockings, (I felt like a jerk).

Here was Santa, whod brought us such gladness and joy;

When Id been too busy for even one toy.

He spied my research on the table all spread

A genealogist! He cried! (My face was all red!)

Tonight Ive met many like you, Santa grinned.

As he pulled from his sack a large book he had penned.

I gazed with amazement – the cover it read

Genealogy Lines for Which You Have Plead.

I know what its like as a genealogy bug,

He said as he gave me a great Santa Hug.

While the elves make the sleighful of toys I now carry,

I do some research in the North Pole Library!

A special treat I am thus able to bring,

To genealogy folks who cant find a thing.

Now off you go to your bed for a rest,

Ill clean up the house from this genealogy mess.

As I climbed up the stairs full of gladness and glee,

I looked back at Santa whod brought much to me.

While settling in bed, I heard Santas clear whistle,

To his team which then rose like the down of a thistle

And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,

Family History is Fun! Merry Christmas! Goodnight!

[author unknown]

Dear Dr. Verne:

Im gonna be gittin a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod. Being of the good redneck breeding that Im is, Is worried about affectin my good standing. I can offer you no better reason than my old man dont like me having my ex-old mans name writ on me, so Ims getting rid of it.

Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the tattoo with his name?

– Worried in Des Moines

Dear Worried:

It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the exs name with the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, Id lose the damn thing. Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys might figure yous an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk voice and youll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.

But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, thats class. Id keep that baby and just cross out the exs name with some spray paint and write the new guy in.

Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, Id probably get your future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John. If you aint shacked up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances are yous gonna be in the future. This is what business guys call your strategic planning.

But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos for guys is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, MOM, skull-and-crossbones or the phone number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles.

Stuff that aint manly, and could damn well be classified as candy-assed, is the Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like butterflies that dont even bite nothing, and that damned barbed wire, which is usually weared by guys who bought their pipes at the fruity health club, instead of lifting railroad ties and eating meat.

Now if yous a guy who tattooed Cindy on his chest, but the new old lady Rhonda aint cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed, Id just pour gas on your chest and light her up with an arc welder. Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort, which is French for Holy $#%^ that hurts! But at least youll be getting clean space to get a dragon that looks just like Rhonda. Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got them scars saving babies from burning apartments.

Chicks always go for guys who got burned up saving babies.

Dr Verne.

There had been no snow during the entire month of December. The elves in the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and now there was the possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.

Daily life at the North Pole was not pleasant, and Santa Claus was in a pretty foul mood. Mrs. Claus was suffering from arthritis and was very mad over the fact that her red velvet cake had fallen in the oven. Santa had tried to round up some extra helpers, but with no snow, they werent able to make it by sleigh to the workshop.

Rudolph had a bad cold, and his nose wouldnt light up. Comet and Prancer were fighting over Vixen, who had just come into heat. Blitzens right foreleg was still in a cast, and the vet said that they would have to wait until 24 December to decide if Blitzen would be able to pull the sleigh.

The electricity went off, and all the power tools came to a stop. There was NOTHING going right in Santas workshops. The helpers were about three weeks behind in their work, and it didnt look that all the toys would be ready by Christmas Eve. Santas foul mood was exacerbated by a bad case of hemorrhoids, and he wasnt too happy about the possibility of having to ride so far on Christmas Eve.

Seeing the terrible state of affairs at the North Pole chez Santa, the angels took up an offering to buy a gift for the unhappy workers and the Clauses – something that would brighten their Christmas. They chose a Christmas tree, and they sent it down by an angel.

The angel burst into the workshop room and asked,

HEY, WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS TREE?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second–3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job cant be done with eight or even nine of them—Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 gs. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, hes dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?

A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesnt have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?

A: There is no trade union for Elves. Theyre easy to exploit.

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?

A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.

Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?

A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description up where the sun dont shine, which applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?

A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say Made on the North Pole? (Made in China, more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?

A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida.

Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?

A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he doesnt take stress too well).

Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?

A: Little angels are known to be kinky.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?

A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.

Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?

A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.

you better !pout !cry
you better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep bad | good
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
santa claus < north pole > town

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.


The passenger, Bubba, said, Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a po-lice roadblock! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!


Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.


What fer? asked Bubba.


Just let me do the talkin, OK? said Earl.


Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.


When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin? ….


No sir, Earl said. Were on the patch.

You know you a redneck when the speaker says do the hodown and you throw your wife on the floor.

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the season of giving.

Personnel will utilize standard T ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in T ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SGs will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes.On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.

Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned wandering eyeball stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operators license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout, On Dancer, On Prancer, etc.

LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year or, Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night. This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

FOR THE COMMANDER

GOODE, U. B., LTC, OD

Executive Officer