DEAR DIARY….August 12
Moved to our new home in Canada. Its so beautiful here. The
mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow
covering them. October 14
Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have
turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride
through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so
graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This
must be paradise. I love it here. November 11
Remembrance day. Deer season starts soon. I cant imagine
anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I
love it here. December 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the
snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball
fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the
driveway again. What a beautiful place. We love Canada. December 12
More snow last night. Couldnt get out of the driveway to get to
work. Its beautiful here but Im exhausted from shoveling.
F***ing snow plough. December 22
More of that white sh** fell last night. I have got blisters on
my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough
hides around the corner until Im done shoveling the driveway.
Asshole.December 25
Merry F***ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my
hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear
Ill kill the bastard. Dont know why they dont use more salt on
the roads to melt the f***ing ice. December 27
More white s*** last night. Been inside for three days now
except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes
through every time. Cant go anywhere, the cars stuck in a mountain of white,
and its so frigging cold, The weatherman says to expect another 10
inches of the s*** again tonight. Do you know how many

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, Im sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

(From our pastors sermon on human nature:)

A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while
the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to
temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts,
he told them theyd each get something chosen especially for you!
His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly
desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with
manure.

On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the
optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled
with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to
his father with a sad face and said: How can I possibly use all these?
The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other
toys will be broken! After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the
father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.

There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure
with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to
which the boy exclaimed With this much manure, there must be a pony in
here somewhere!

Rudolph the red nosed wino,

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you got too close to him,

He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,

Used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph,

Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,

Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of story.

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I dont know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, and hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didnt want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasnt improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldnt take that one either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didnt know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.



One small boys reply went like this:



We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.



They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they dont do them very well.



There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they dont know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.



As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they cant get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they dont know who they are.



My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house wont let them out.

As a little girl climbed onto Santas lap, Santa asked the usual, And what would you like for Christmas?

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: Didnt you get my E-mail?

After hearing the Christmas story, and singing Silent Night a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like.

One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.

The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene asked him who that was. She wasnt sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, Oh, thats Round John Virgin.

Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,

Not a creature was stirrin,

Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof

I heard somethin pound,

I sprung to da window,

To scream, YO! Keep it down!

Wanderin eyes should appear,

But da Don of all elfs,

And eight friggin reindeer!

Wit slicked back black hair,

And a silk red suit,

don Christopher wuz here,

Wit a slap to dare snouts,

And a yank on dare manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.

Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

He flew troo da winda

And slapped me side da head.

What da hell you doin

Pullin a gun on da Don?

Now all youre gettin is coal,

You friggin moron!

Den pointin a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He twisted his pinky ring,

And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities screamin,

Away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin.

Den I heard him yell out,

What I did least expect,

Merry Friggin Christmas to all,

And yous better show some respect!

Twas the NET before Christmas
When all through our house,
Not a creature was typing
nor moving a mouse.

Our Monitors hummed
and were glowing within,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas
would soon Modem in.

The teenagers were crashed
in their messy bedrooms,
and dreaming of boxes
With games such as Doom.

Mom back from aerobics
and done kissing me,
We just settled in for some
much needed ZZZs.

When in the home office
there arose such a din,
I shot down the stairs,
Had the fax just come in??

Away to my keyboard
I leaped to my chair,
Typed in my password …
But no Fax was there!!

My screen came alive
it was wildly aglow,
The hard drive went crunching
The One and the O.

When what my bifocaled eyes
should I see,
But a Brand New Web Browser
not AT&T.

From server so rapid
(not one on the slates)
That I thought for a moment
It must be Bill Gates!!

Incoming more quickly
than 14.4 fame,
Screeching, now flashing,
Calling Plug-Ins by name.
Now Java! Now Shockwave! & ReaL Audio!
On Website! On Quicktime! & 3VDO!

To the World Wide Web System
To the great Hackers Ball,
Now Cache away!
Cache away!
Cache away all!!

Beyond all the strengths
Of new chips I see,
This CPU giant bought Power to Me
And into my Ram a new Browser Sublime(!)
Brimming with programs
Saint Nicholas is on my Line!!

Then I in a second
Heard soundboarding in,
Saint Nicholass jolly laughter
Above all this din.

I pulled back my hands
and fell out of my chair,
In shock at the sight
Of Saint Nick standing there!

Though made up of Pixels
He seemed very real,
With clothing quite Modern
And full of Appeal.

A bundle of CDs
Were slung from his bag
He looked like an X er
With middle aged sag!!

He wore cool sunglasses
His face was electric,
His cheeks Two Mac Apples
His nose Neon Pink!

His handsome full lips
Were set in a grin,
With a Snow White
Bohemian Beard set on his chin.

With the butt of a Cuban
Lit up with flare,
I saw Cyber Smoke
Making rings in the air!

He got that Hip look
and acted so mellow,
But his belly still shook
Still a Jolly Old Fellow!

Flashing Peace signs to all
and nodding his head,
Lead me to think
I had nothing to dread!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to the show,
Left shiney new Laptops
And then turn to go …

And laying his finger
aside of the node,
As quick as a wink
Through the Monitor he flowed.

He appeared on the Screen
On the keys poked delete
And transported away
His Mission Complete …

But I heard him exclaim
As the screen had turned white,
CYBER CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND TO ALL A GOOD BYTE!!