The Week Before Christmas



Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school

Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.

The children were busy with paper and paste

The mess that they made with it couldnt be faced.



The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,

Had just settled down to work with her dears,

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter

up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!



Away to the door they all flew like a flash

The one who was leading went down with a crash.

Then what to their wondering eyes did appear

But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)



When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.

She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!

She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)

But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name





Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!

Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!

Now get to your places get away from the hall

Now get away! Get away! Get away all!





As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.

They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle

Their faces were shining and each had a smile.



First came a basket of popcorn to string

-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).

As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout

The pupils were merrily romping about.



The state they were in could lead to a riot

The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.

Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!

The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!



The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask

It was plain that she didnt feel up to her task.

The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,

But the children ignored it they did every year.



A tear from her eye and a shake of her head

Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.

She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,

Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.



But at last it was finished and placed on the tree

Then came the bell and the children were free.

Their shrill little voices soon faded away

And peace was restored at the end of the day.

As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,

She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!

Quaylisms





I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have



was that I didnt study Latin harder in school so I could converse



with those people.



— J. Danforth Quayle







If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure. — J. Danforth



Quayle







Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and



child.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. —



Vice President Dan Quayle







Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same



distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures



where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that



means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89







What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is



being very wasteful. How true that is.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean



in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I



didnt live in this century.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88







I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and



democracy – but that could change.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89







One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,



and that one word is to be prepared.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89







May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.



— The Quayles 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,



though.]







Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. — Vice President



Dan Quayle, 11/30/88







We dont want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements



in the Future.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







The future will be better tomorrow. — Vice President Dan Quayle







Were going to have the best-educated American people in the world.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88







People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions



and have a tremendous impact on history.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made.



— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89







We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a



firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







Public speaking is very easy.



— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88







I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. — Vice President



Dan Quayle







I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the



polls.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots



and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is



to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for



the killings? The killers are to blame.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having



it.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)







Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still



has a job next year.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92







We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. —



Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90







For NASA, space is still a high priority. — Vice President Dan



Quayle, 9/5/90







Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our



children.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90







The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan



Quayle may or may not make.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Were all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on



the mistakes we may or may not have made.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the



impurities in our air and water that are doing it.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







[Its] time for the human race to enter the solar system. — Vice



President Dan Quayle

Young lad on knee of a department-store Santa: Please notice one thing – Im adequately clothed.

At the Mall with their Mother, upon hearing Santa Claus is Coming to Town, a little boy said to his sister, Listen Jean! Theyre playing our song.

A small boy wrote in a Christmas Card to his Aunt: And I want to thank you for all the presents you have sent in the past, as well as all the ones you are going to send me this Christmas.

1. Be thankful you havent been spammed!

2. Be thankful your computer isnt down!

3. Be thankful your favorite forum isnt down!

4. Be thankful you dont have The Good Times virus!

5. Be thankful your server isnt down!

6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!

7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!

8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didnt gain a pound!

9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isnt 72!

10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!

11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

Her arms laden with Christmas gifts, Mrs. Douglas remembered she had forgetten to mail a card to her childhood frriend Faye. Buying a card and dashing into the post office, she bought a first class stamp.

Excuse me, she said, her arms aching. but must I put that on myself?

No maam, deadpanned the clerk, it goes on the envelope.

I have a friend who became tired of reading the Dont blame me, I voted for Bush bumperstickers. This was his response.

As many of you can attest, I dont feel my day is complete unless I offend as many ultra conservative politically right wing religious zealots as I can.

Accordingly, I have attached a picture frame device to the rear window of my truck.

It holds an 8-1/2 x 11 bumper sticker I print out in 100-point type on my laser printer.

Here are some of the ones Ive used so far that really seem to annoy our local rednecks:

Dont Blame Me… I *never* voted for Bush
Stop Subsidizing Millionaires… No More Tax Money for Pro Football!
Judaism… Good Enough for Jesus, Good Enough for Me
Jesus is OK, Falwell and Robertson are NOT
Bob Dole & Phil Gramm: The Original Whine Boys
Abortion is Not Murder, But Shooting a Doctor is
Reagan Was Wrong.. About Everything!
Florida… A Right to Work for Less State

Numbers 1,3 and 8 seem to get the most reaction when I pull into the post office parking lot to pick up the daily box mail.

Most people I encounter, surprisingly, agree with the sentiments in bumper sticker 8.

Seen on a local advertisement for a Christmas party awhile ago:

Scene:

A small boy stands agape on the stairway overlooking the living room.
A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and white
toque hunches over the fireplace, filling stockings with gifts, sees the
boy over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly.

Caption: Im sorry youve seen me, Billy. Now Ill have to kill you.

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?

Fasten your sheet belts…

The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving

service.


A ragged man in the audience asked, What is there to be

thankful for?


Surprised, the minister replied, What is your name,sir?

Cause, was the reply.


Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body…

Im blind and I have lung cancer


…or your family…


I dont have a family


…or your home…


I dont have a home.


Well, then I guess your a lost Cause!

This is an invaluable tool for grading the Redneck experience in immigrants and visitors from the North. This test really cant be cheated on … either you know it or you dont. One Yankee only mustered a 2 or 3, whereas rednecks typically score around 20+.

How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
What was the number and color of Richard Pettys cars?
Bill Dance is good at what?
What university does Bill Dance root for?
Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?
What is a chigger?
What is scrapple?
Where is The Redneck Riviera?
Whats that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, _______________.
Whats the common name for a bowfin?
If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Who sang Your Cheatin Heart?
What are grits made out of?
Who was nicknamed The Bear?
Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
Who was Andy Taylors love interest?
What are the radio station call letters that carries The Grand Ol Opry?
Where would you find Vidalia County?
What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
What is a scuppernong?
Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
Why do you want to eat high on the hog?
What color is a John Deere?
What do you call the offspring of a mule?
What will you harvest when you plant shade?

Score 3 points per correct answer. Youre given 1 point to start.