Heres a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.

This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! 🙂



MESS TEST – Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.



TOY TEST – Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.



GROCERY STORE TEST – Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.



DRESSING TEST – Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.



FEEDING TEST – Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.



NIGHT TEST – Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.



INGENUITY TEST – Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.



AUTOMOBILE TEST – Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect.



PHYSICAL TEST (Women) – Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.



PHYSICAL TEST (Men) – Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.



FINAL ASSIGNMENT – Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season

by John Carlson

And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays:

Republican say Merry Christmas!
Democrats say Happy Holidays!

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning

When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.

When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for incredible tv offers on late night television.

Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they dont admit it.

Democrats give their children gifts that make a political statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of their hair.

Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to enjoy the scenery.

Democrats favorite Christmas movie is Miracle on 34th Street.
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is Its a Wonderful Life.
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is Diehard.

Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts… and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.

Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.

Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas Cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

Democrats favorite Christmas song is Deck the Halls.
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.
Republicans favorite Christmas song is White Christmas.
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is White Christmas.

Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

Democratic men like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play Cowboys and Indians.
Democrats dont either, as long as the Indians get to win.

Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus…
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus…

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short – he is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
He is not from Maryland; hes simply from somewhere.
He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

Q: Why was Santas little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh!

Never have a white Christmas,
When you in Melbourne live,
Wearing hot pants on the beach,
When you your presents give!

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh!

Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk,
Castles in the sand,
Eating ice-cream, having good talks,
Warm Christmas, isnt that grand?

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken
or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur
collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will
make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale. Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan
Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vagetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak,
boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from
grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think youve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.

Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or
while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
Homes and Gardens.

For Sale. Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich
shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
youll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mothers helper – peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for High Fidelity,
designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs
from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?

A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:

The election is over, the results are known,
the will of the people has clearly been shown.

Lets forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
we will give our leader all the help that he needs.

So lets all get together, and let bitterness pass,
Ill hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining. The list of ingredients is as follows:

1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight.
8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them.
32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
3 gallons chicken stock.
salt, pepper, to taste.
Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.

Saute the onions, carrots, and celery ina large pan, using some olive oil, until tender.

Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned. Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with pepper, salt and garlic to taste.

Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut. As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult to find an oven large enough to do the job. So you will have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kids wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local grouches garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done. This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively inclined diners.

P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories for such little beasties and they wont fall for the vodka trick twice in two years.