What kind of key opens a casket?

A skeleton key

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a frontal lobotomy.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two cases of Prozac.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three stays at the hospital.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four group sessions.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five self help books.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six restraining orders.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven counts of harrassment.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight cries for help.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, nine attempts to escape.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, ten ripped off fingernails.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven body pieces.

On the twelth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

twelve life sentences,

eleven body pieces,

ten ripped off fingernails,

nine attempts to escape,

eight cries of help,

seven counts of harrassment,

six restraining orders,

five self help books,

four group sessions,

three stays at the hospital,

two cases of Prozac,

and a frontal lobotomy.

Or, was that today? uh oh …

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a sweater for Christmas?

What is a vampires favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving…

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.



Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.



What general direction cattywumpus is.



That gimme sugar dont mean pass the sugar.



When by and by is.



How to handle your pot likker



The best gesture of solace for a neighbor whos got trouble is a plate of cold potato salad.



The difference between purt near and a right far piece



The differences between a redneck, a good ol boy, and trailer trash.



Never to go snipe hunting twice.



Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.



You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody! But nobody!

What do birds give out on Halloween night?

Tweets…

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately…

Teddy, the red nosed senator,

Had a very shiny car.

And if youve ever seen it,

You were probly near a bar.

All of the other Senators,

Wondered how he get his dames.

They thought he was to drunk,

To join in any bedroom games.

Then one clouded Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say,

Teddy with your nose so red,

Wont you help me guide my sled.

Thats how the police found him,

Wrapped around a maple tree.

Teddy, the red nosed Senator,

Youre a drunken S.O.B.!

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I cant wait to exchange.

– Henry Youngman

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have



was that I didnt study Latin harder in school so I could converse



with those people.



— J. Danforth Quayle







If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure. — J. Danforth



Quayle







Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and



child.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. —



Vice President Dan Quayle







Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same



distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures



where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that



means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89







What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is



being very wasteful. How true that is.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean



in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I



didnt live in this century.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88







I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and



democracy – but that could change.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89







One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,



and that one word is to be prepared.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89







May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.



— The Quayles 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,



though.]







Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. — Vice President



Dan Quayle, 11/30/88







We dont want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements



in the Future.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







The future will be better tomorrow. — Vice President Dan Quayle







Were going to have the best-educated American people in the world.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88







People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions



and have a tremendous impact on history.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made.



— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89







We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a



firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







Public speaking is very easy.



— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88







I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. — Vice President



Dan Quayle







I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. — Vice



President Dan Quayle







A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the



polls.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots



and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is



to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for



the killings? The killers are to blame.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having



it.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)







Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still



has a job next year.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92







We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. —



Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90







For NASA, space is still a high priority. — Vice President Dan



Quayle, 9/5/90







Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our



children.



— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90







The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan



Quayle may or may not make.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







Were all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on



the mistakes we may or may not have made.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the



impurities in our air and water that are doing it.



— Vice President Dan Quayle







[Its] time for the human race to enter the solar system. — Vice



President Dan Quayle