There was 3 rednecks in New York City. One day while sight seeing they ran upon a whorehouse. Excited, they entered the whorehouse like kids entering a toy store.

The first redneck had $5.00, the second redneck had $10.00, and the third redneck had $15.00.



The first redneck approached the lady behind the desk and said I got $5.00!



What do I get for $5.00?



The lady spoke over the intercom and said Ginger– take this getleman upstairs and give him $5.00 worth!



The first redneck came back downstairs grinning from ear to ear.



The oter two rednecks said Man, what did you get for $5.00?



The first redneck explained that she took it out of his pants she put whipped cream all over it, then licked it all off.



This exited the 2nd redneck and he quickly approached the lady at the desk. He said Okay, I have $10.00!What do I get for $10.00?



The lady spoke over the intercom and said Tasha, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $10.00 worth!



The 2nd redneck came downstairs, grinning from ear to ear, as if he was on Cloud Nine.



The other two rednecks met him and asked Man, what did you get for $10.00?



The 2nd redneck explained she took it out of his pants, put whipped cream on it, nuts and chocolate topping and she licked it all off.



This excited the 3rd redneck, so he nervously approached the lady at the desk and said, I have $15.00. What can I get for $15.00?



The lady turned on the intercom again and said Melissa, take this gentleman upstairs and give him $15.00 worth!



The 3rd redneck came downstairs with a huge frown on his face, and on the brink of tears.



Curious, the other 2 rednecks asked, Man, why are you so sad. What couldve went wrong? You had $15.00?



The 3rd redneck said, Boys, she took it out of my pants, put whipped cream all over it. Then she put strawberries, pinapple topping, chocolate syrup,nuts and a big cherry on top! It looked so good I ate it myself.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Good:Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:You cant find your birth control pills
Ugly:Your daughter borrowed them
–
Good:Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad:You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly:Youre in them
–
Good:Your husband understands fashion
Bad:Hes a cross dresser
Ugly:He looks better than you
–
Good:Your sons finally maturing
Bad:Hes involved with the woman next door
Ugly:So are you
–
Good:You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad:She keeps interrupting
Ugly:With corrections
–
Good:Your wifes not talking to you
Bad:She wants a divorce
Ugly:Shes a lawyer
–
Good:The postmans early
Bad:Hes wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly:You gave him nothing for Christmas

Darn, its good to be a man.



Your last name stays put.



The garage is all yours.



Wedding plans take care of themselves



Chocolate is just another snack.



You can be president.



You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.



Car mechanics tell you the truth.



The world is your urinal.



You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just



too



icky.



Same work, more pay.



Wrinkles add character.



Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100.



People never stare at your chest when youre talking to them.



The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.



New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood, ALL the time.



Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



You know stuff about cars and trucks.



A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.



You can open all your own jars.



You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be



your



friend.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack.



Everything on your face stays its original color.



Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.



You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.



You never have strap problems in public.



You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.



You dont have to shave below your neck!



One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.



You can do your nails with a pocketknife.



You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.



You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45



minutes or less.



Now do you understand why men are so cheerful?

Two rednecks are hiking through the woods when they spot a grizzly bear in the distance, charging towards them.

One of them stands rooted to the spot, while the other bends down, calmly takes off his boots, and starts to lace up his running shoes.

The first redneck looks over and says to his friend, Why bother? No one can outrun a bear. His friend looks up and says, I know that. But all I have to do is outrun you.

Its two feet tall, forty feet wide
Salesmans opening line: Youre not a cop, are you?
It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it
While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride
Each branch has Duraflame printed on it
It keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
Its very small and says Air Freshener on it
Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
Some guy named Akbar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it

and number one reason, you bought a bad Christmas tree:

Its constantly bragging about its trunk size

Dog Breeds that did not make it:



Deerhound + Terrier

Derriere, a dog thats true to the end



Spitz + Chow Chow

Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot



Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier

Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries



Great Pyrenees + Dachshund

Pyradachs, a puzzling breed



Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso

Peekasso, an abstract dog



Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel

Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle



Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever

Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists



Newfoundland + Basset Hound

Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors



Terrier + Bulldog

Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes



Bloodhound + Labrador

Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly



Malamute + Pointer

Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesnt matter anyway



Collie + Malamute

Commute, a dog that travels to work with you



Bloodhound + Borzoi

Bloody Bore, a dog thats not much fun



Pointer + Setter

Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet



Collie + Lhasa Apso

Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Q: How does Al Gores household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.

The Police Officer asked the boy Did Santa bring you that new bike? the boy replied Yes!



It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike said the Police Officer, The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike! said the Police Officer.



The little boy replied Yes Sir.



Officer, can I ask you a question? said the little boy.



Yes, said the Officer.



Did Santa bring you that horse? asked the boy.



Yes he did! said the officer.



Oh, if I ever get a horse Im going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!! said the boy.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season
right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my
car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a
receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my
steps to the shopping centre entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel
shirt to protect him from the cold nights chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred pound note in his hand. Thinking that he
had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad
story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly
educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her
large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her
children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother,
on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all
his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred
pound notes and disappeared into the night.

Why didnt you scream for help? I asked.

The boy said, I did.

And nobody came to help you? I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

How loud did you scream? I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, Help me!

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

To improve his bite…