The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.



The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.



I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.



As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:



The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.



The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.



The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.



The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.



The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.



The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.



The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.



As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.



Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.



Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.



Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.



We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.



Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing).



Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



Happy Holidays!

Dear yall:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.

However, Im certain that your children will be in good hands with my replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:

There is no danger of a Grinchs stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesnt smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.

Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer. I lent him my reindeer one time, and Rudolphs head now rests over Bubbas fireplace.

You wont hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen … when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, youll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Boudreaux. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yeehaw! And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond, I heard that!

As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have a bumper sticker for non-traditional vehicles: If you are close enough to read this … you aint gettin no presents!

The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and Ernest Saves Christmas will not be shown in your area. Instead, youll see some really classes movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says You scumbum! a lot, and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

Bubba Claus doesnt wear a belt. Id turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Plumbers cleavage is NOT a pretty sight.

Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis Here Comes Santa Claus and Madonnas remake of Santa Baby. Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutts Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox, David Allan Coes Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me, and Hank Williams Jr.s If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa

Statistics compiled by MAD Magazine Issue 228, January 1982. (Dated but still a relevant source).

40% – Presents.
6% – Presents with no useful functions.
4% – Presents with a function, but which will never be used.
10% – Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate.
11% – Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after the intended recipients get tired of them.
6% – Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for.
* -Presents the recipients will really like.
3% – T-shirts with writings on them.
21% – Decorations.
6% – Christmas tree (less if youre really cheap and wait till Dec. 24th to buy it!).
1% – Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out last year.
1% – Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on this year.
2% – Christmas tree ornaments.
3% – Christmas tree ornaments hangers (includes the gas for that extra trip you always have to make back to store because there werent enough hangers supplied with the ornaments).
1% – A new star for the top.
2% – Tinsel (which everyone will put on the tree incorrectly, starting a very bad … and possibly violent … family argument).
2% – Outdoor displays.
2% – Medical bills for injuries sustained while putting up outdoor displays.
1% – Fuses to replace those blown when turning on outdoor displays for the first time.
8% – Food and Drink.
1% – More eggnog than the entire Osmond family could even drink.
1.5% – Foods you would never buy any other time of the year (i.e. fruitcakes, mincemeat, etc.).
1% – Alcoholic beverages (triple this figure if you have relatives coming from out of town).
1% – Milk and cookies the kids make leave out for Santa.
1% – Candy canes that nobody ever eats.
2% – Turkey.
0.5% – Antacid.
9% – Entertainment.
1% – That new record you buy every year (even though you already have 27 hours of recorded Christmas music).
3% – Taking a bunch of kids to a really crummy G-rated movie about cute little animals.
5% – Extra trips to the local bar that you take to avoid those sickening TV Christmas Specials the networks keep throwing at you.
12% – Miscellaneous.
3% – Sickly-sweet Christmas Cards.
2% – Postage for same.
2% – Bonuses for people who dont even deserve them (like that louse paper boy).
0.5% – Candles.
0.5% – Plastic mistletoe.
2% – Money tossed into street-corner Santas buckets (although you dont really know what its for).
2% – Money for the collection plate for your once-a-year trip to church for Christmas Mass.
10% – Batteries.

* Too small an amount to be statistically significant.

How about a little Christmas poetry?

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesnt believe in Santa Claus …
Because she has her Master Charge

My wife had her credit card stolen,I havent reported it yet because of who ever has it doesnt spend as much as she does.

New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, A Menedez Family Christmas.
Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.
Your son informs you he doesnt care to be your cellmate anymore.
You have to buy separate Mothers Day cards for each of Moms personalities.
Family discussions usually begin with, Put the gun down.
You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.
Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
Didnt make todays Top Five List? Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya.

and Top5s Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional …

No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

People say, Merry Christmas! or Happy New Year! before giving you the finger.
Instead of yellow tape, cops close off murder scenes with festive holly.
People pray even when theyre not in the back seat of a cab.
If you dial 911 you just hear a recording of Deck the Halls.
Slight increase in number of fat bearded guys who want you to sit on their lap.
Gullible tourists purchase Rockefeller Center Christmas tree for $100.
Vendors cut price of hot dogs left over from last Christmas.
Police investigate the seasons first sleigh-jacking.
Strangers greet each other with I got your Yule log right here.
Two words: Crack nog.

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:Collie + Lhasa Apso–Collapso,a dog that folds up easy for transportingSpitz + Chow Chow–Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alotPointer + Setter–Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas petGreat Pyrenees + Dachshund–Pyradachs, a puzzling breedPekingnese + Lhasa Apso–Peekasso, an abstract dogIrish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel–Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistleLabrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever–Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientistsNewfoundland + Basset Hound–Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisorsTerrier + Bulldog–Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakesBloodhound + Labrador–Blabador, a dog that barks incessantlyMalamute + Pointer–Moot Point, owned by…..oh, well, it doesnt matter anywayCollie + Malamute–Commute, a dog that travels to workDeerhound + Terrier–Derriere, a dog thats true to the end

On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A 12 pack of Bud

11 rasslin tickets

10 tins of Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 packs of Red Man

6 cans of Spam

5 flannel shirts

4 big mud tires

3 shotgun shells

2 huntin dawgs

and some parts to a Mustang GT.

You know its your last day at work when …

• You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, Whats this?, you realize you just dropped the companys deposit in a mailbox.

• A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This ones your turn. Your boss was standing behind you. Its his wife.

• While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential imformation on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

• You return from a weeks vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

• You take a sick day. The next morning the boss asks you, So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?.

• You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. Youre in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!