What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

A fur coat that fangs around your neck…

Nintendo is planning to introduce a new toy for Christmas. It called the Game Girl.

Game Girl is not suitable for boys below 15 years. Game Girl is available in two versions; the pocket Game Girl and the Game Girl 64. With the introduction of the new toy Nintendo hopes that its sales would double by the end of 98.

This just in from News Service: A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both organizations. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.

In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. Both organizations hailed this as a win-win.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.

(original source unknown)

* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast-food bags out of the back seat of your car.

* Your reason for not staying in better touch with your family is that they dont have E-mail addresses.



* Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPNs homepage to your bookmarks.



* You have a to do list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks –and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.



* You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.



* Standard pick-up lines now include references to liquid assets and capital gains.



* You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.



* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.



* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored sticky notes.



* Your grocery list has been on the front of your fridge so long some of the products dont even exist any longer.



* You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on how to improve their production and marketing processes.



* You get all excited when its Saturday — and that just means you can wear your sweats to work.



* You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.



* You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what it is you do for a living.



* You typically eat out of vending machines, and at the most expensive restaurant in the city, within the same week.



* You think that progressing an action plan and calendarizing a project are standard and acceptable English phrases.



* You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.



* You ask your friends to, think out of the box when making Friday night plans.



* You think Einstein would have been more effective if he put his ideas into matrix.



* You think a half day means leaving at 5 oclock.



* You hear most of your jokes via E-mail instead of in person.

One christmas mourning Hillary Clinton looked out her window to find someone wrote Hillary sucks in pee on the snow.

So she called the police and they told her they would do tests.



The following week the police chief came back and said that he had bad news and worse news. The bad news is it is Bills urine and the worse news is it is Monicas hand writing.

A Christmas tree doesnt care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
Christmas trees dont get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you break one of its balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesnt get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesnt care if you watch football all day.

And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women

A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in her kitchen, listening to her son play with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause were leaving.

The mother went in and told her son, we dont use that kind of language in this house. Now, go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the room and resumed playing with the train. Soon, the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey. For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was Geein and Hawin, with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
Therell be plenty of travelin for you all tonight.
The driver in Levis and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, are you really Santa Claus?

Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all]

Author unknown

By Ogden Nash

In Baltimore there lived a boy,

He wasnt anybodys joy.

Although his name was Jabez Dawes,

His character was full of flaws.

In school he never led his classes,

He hid old ladies reading glasses,

His mouth was open when he chewed,

And elbows to the table glued.

He stole the milk of hungry kittens,

And walked through doors marked No Admittance.

He said he acted thus because

There wasnt any Santa Claus.

Another trick that tickled Jabez

Was crying Boo! at little babies.

He brushed his teeth, they said in town,

Sideways instead of up and down.

Yet people pardoned every sin,

And viewed his antics with a grin,

Till they were told by Jabez Dawes,

There isnt any Santa Claus!

Deploring how he did behave,

His parents swiftly sought their grave.

They hurried through the portals pearly,

And Jabez left the funeral early.

Like whooping cough, from child to child,

He sped to spread the rumor wild:

Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes

There isnt any Santa Claus!

Slunk like a weasel or a marten

Through nursery and kindergarten,

Whispering low to every tot,

There isnt any, no theres not!

The children wept all Christmas Eve

And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.

No infant dared to hang up his stocking

For fear of Jabez ribald mocking.

He sprawled on his untidy bed,

Fresh malice dancing in his head,

When presently with scalp a-tingling,

Jabez heard a distant jingling;

He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof

Crisply alighting on the roof.

What good to rise and bar the door?

A shower of soot was on the floor.

What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?

The fireplace full of Santa Claus!

Then Jabez fell upon his knees

With cries of Dont, and Pretty please.

He howled, I dont know where you read it,

But anyhow, I never said it!

Jabez, replied the angry saint,

It isnt I, its you that aint.

Although there is a Santa Claus,

There isnt any Jabez Dawes!

Said Jabez with impudent vim,

Oh, yes there is; and I am him!

Your magic dont scare me, it doesnt

And suddenly he found he wasnt!

From grimy feet to grimy locks,

Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box,

An ugly toy with springs unsprung,

Forever sticking out his tongue.

The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;

They searched for him, but not with zeal.

No trace was found of Jabez Dawes,

Which led to thunderous applause,

And people drank a loving cup

And went and hung their stockings up.

All you who sneer at Santa Claus,

Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,

The saucy boy who mocked the saint.

Donder and Blitzen licked off his paint.

I posted this a year ago, but the time is right to revive it. If I get some hate mail Ill turn it into an annual event!

The Cole family had a great Christmas this year, even though our Dinner didnt include our traditional Christmas Swan. I missed watching the kids fight over neck.

We did have an Endangered Species Awareness dinner. For hors doevres before dinner we had lightly grilled Snail Darters. The first course was a delectably light Spotted Owl consomme. The main course was a Californis Condor stuffed with baby seal. My mom knows that baby seals lose a lot of their flavor and vitamins if they are shot and not properly clubbed. Best of all, this year I got to OJ the bird.

My nephew was thrilled with his present. I gave him a Milli Vanilli doll. You press the button and Teddy Ruxbin Sings.