This is from my Uncle George, whos retired USAF. (US Air Force)

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation
Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA
examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses,
the landing gear, and Rudolfs nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santas
weight and balance calculations for sleds enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened
his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santas surprise, a shotgun.

Whats that for? asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, Im not supposed to tell you this, but
youre gonna lose an engine on takeoff.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family, well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two,

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?!

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soots him!

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.



But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it.



This is my position, and I will not compromise!

Twas the Night Before Chrismas: Brooklyn Version



Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mellow,

Not a creature was stirrin,

(I had a gun unda my pillow.)



When up on da roof

I heard somethin pound,

I sprung to da window,

To scream, Ay! Keep it down!



When what to my

Wanderin eyes should appear,

But dat hairy elf Vinny,

And eight friggin reindeer.



Wit a bad hackin cough,

And da stencha burped beer,

I knew in a moment

Yo, da Kringle wuz here!



Wit a slap to dere snouts,

And a yank on dere manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.



Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Sally, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!



As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

Down came his friggin boot

On da top a my head.



His eyes were all bloodshot,

His b.o. wuz scary,

His breath wuz like sewage,

He had a mole dat wuz hairy.



He spit in my eye,

And he twisted my head,

He soon let me know

I should consider myself dead.



Den pointin a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He let out some gas,

And up da chimney he rose.



He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities screaming,

And away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin.



But I heard him exclaim,

Or better yet grump,

Merry Christmas to all, and

Bite me, ya hump!

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

Theyre so wrapped up in themselves…

A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop…

Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend.



You came to the right place. How about a parrot?



I dont know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal.



It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you.



The pet shop worker raises the parrots right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.. The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh… The match is then removed.



The man enthusiastically says, Thats really neat. Let me hear the third song.



The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrots legs. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

1. Youve ever cut your grass and found a car.

2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that arent.

3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.

5. Youve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

7. You own a homemade fur coat.

8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

10. Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I

can take a bath.

11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as the day my ship came in.

12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

14. Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from

the Governor to spare a loved one.

16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall

because of her language.

17. Someone asks, Wheres your bowling bag? and you answer, Shes at home with the kids.

18. Birds are attracted to your beard.

19. Your wifes job requires her to wear an orange vest.

20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

21. You have the local taxidermists number on speed dial.

22. Youve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

23. Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.

24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

25. Youve ever given rat traps as gifts.

26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.

27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

31. Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.

32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

33. Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.

34. There are more than five McDonalds bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

37. Youve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

40. Youve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

41. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.

42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

43. Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.

45. Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.

46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

47. Youve ever bought a used cap.

48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.

50. Youve ever financed a tattoo.

51. Youve ever stolen toilet paper.

52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.

54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

58. Youve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

60. You go to a stock car race and dont need a program.

61. Youve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

65. Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before

telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

68. You own a denim leisure suit.

69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

71. Youve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.

72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

73. You have a rag for a gas cap.

74. The dog cant watch you eat without gagging.

75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on

your arm.

77. Youve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge

clearance restrictions.

78. Youve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, For a good time call….

79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.

82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs

with beer bottles.

83. Your father executes the pull my finger trick during Christmas

dinner.

84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.

85. Youve ever been too drunk to fish?

86. You cut your toenails in front of company.

87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

89. Hitchhikers wont get in the car with you.

90. Youve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

91. Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.

92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

93. You can spit without opening your mouth.

94. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

95. You call your boss dude.

96. You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.

97. You have grease under your toenails.

98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father

made it.

99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

101. Youve ever been fired from a construction job because of your

appearance.

102. Youve ever cleaned fish in your living room.

103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute

for toilet paper.

105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.

107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wifes

hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

109. Your father walks you to school because youre both in the same

grade.

110. Your house doesnt have curtains but your pick-up does.

111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the Lube Rack.

112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.

114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.

115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.

116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.

117. Your family tree doesnt fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase turn off the paved road.

119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while youre at bingo.

121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.

122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

124. Youve been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.

125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.

126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a

freebie at the House of Tattoos.

127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.

132. Your brother and sister get divorced…from each other.

133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture…and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.

134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.