There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.



There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.



Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?



The perfect woman.

Shes the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..



* A Males Response *



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

For cat people everwhere – Enjoy 🙂

Rules for cats who have a house to run

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the humans bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

Youd better watch out,

Youd better not cry,

Youd better not pout;

Im telling you why.

Santa Claus is tapping

Your phone.

Hes bugging your room,

Hes reading your mail,

Hes keeping a file

And running a tail.

Santa Claus is tapping

Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,

Surveills you out of doors,

And if that doesnt get the goods,

Then hell use provocateurs.

So – you mustnt assume

That you are secure.

On Christmas Eve

Hell kick in your door.

Santa Claus is tapping

Your phone.

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.)9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.10. Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roommates two front teeth…11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!13. Whip your roommate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.14. Tear down all your roommates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!15. Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!16. Tell your roommate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommates friends give it a yank.20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his win

Borrowed without permission from Jeff Foxworthys Christmas song:

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

Pack of Bud
Rasslin tickets

tin of copenhagen
years probation
table dancers
cans of redman
cans of spam
Flannel Shirts
Mud Grip Tires
Shotgun Shells
Huntin dogs

and some parts to a Mustang GT

If youre from Georgia youll understand the Mud Grip Tires 🙂

Every year in December, comes a time that strikes fear into the heart of every husband and father. That is the Christmas shopping. Men are by nature conquerors, and the shopping experience of many is the same as visiting an art gallery, museum, or sight-seeing. There is nothing to do, no sense of accomplishment, and no trophies. The stress we must endure is as high as when I first proposed marriage to my wife, only I get to live through it again every year.

Through deep analysis, I have decided that the problem is one of attitude; how you approach the situation. Instead of Christmas shopping, I call it Christmas hunting. Instead of gathering presents, I hunt and kill them. Here is how it works

The Prey

In order to hunt something, you must have a prey, something to hunt. With a normal hunting expedition, this would be deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, etc. Even when you go fishing, there is something to catch, kill, dress, and eat.

At Christmas time, the prey is the GIFT. The nature of the GIFT is what determines the hunt. If, for example, you decided to go Buffalo hunting, you would make all the necessary preparations – special permits, gun, travel plans, etc. Bagging a GIFT is the same.

The GIFT must be something personal that only she can use. Although she may need a new kitchen appliance such as a blender, for every kitchen appliance bought, you must spend at least double to ten times that amount additional for her personal GIFT. Just as a fish is different from a duck, GIFTS come in various forms, from jewelry to clothing to knickknacks. Impracticality is the rule here.

In order to understand the nature of the prey, you must do some homework. This may involve actually looking or listening to your wife. See what earrings (who knows where they came from?) she is wearing. She will often give you hints that you are supposed to hear and understand. It may come in the form of I wish, or it would be nice if …, such as I wish I had a watch to match my shoes, or it may be that page from the department store catalog that she wrapped your sandwich in. Look for the item circled in red.

Pay attention during some of those ordeals you are made to endure with her when you hold her purse as she moves clothing on a display rack in a department store. See what catches her eye. Another source is the television shopping channel. Stop for a few more seconds and take note of what they are pedaling. This part of the process can be related to when you learn about the best fishing lakes, hunting forests, etc.

The Weapon

The biggest problem with the Christmas Hunt is the weapon. In order to kill your prey, the GIFT, you must use a paper or plastic weapon. A check book or credit card just dont look as ominous as a 12-gauge shotgun. There is nothing to wield. When you go fishing there is the pole, hunting has its gun, and even when you are golfing, you have a club to carry. Merchants frown on customers bringing and carrying firearms around in their stores. I have yet to find a suitable substitute. If the problem is acute, finding and carrying around a pole-like device (spear) may do. This may be in the form of a shower rod, mop handle, or umbrella. A coffee cup or beer mug may also suffice if you dont mind carrying one around a store, as this is similar to the scabbard on a sword.

Some stores have large plastic candy canes filled with candy or bath oil beads that could substitute for the weapon. This may help you during your hunt for the GIFT. You dont have to purchase, just borrow it for a while until the real game has been tracked and bagged. There has yet to be invented a weapon-shaped object that would appeal to women.

The License

If you can walk in the store, you have a license to hunt there. Your drivers license, or whatever identification you use to get beer and tobacco products can be used for the Christmas hunt. This will be displayed to the game warden (store clerk) when the weapon (credit card or personal check) is used to get the GIFT. The prey may then be dressed (gift wrapped) or put in a bag for protection. The receipt compares to the deer or duck stamp. Unless you have a lot of experience wrapping things, this is best left to the professionals in order to be more attractive when it is presented to your wife. Your limit is determined by the balance left in your account.

The Site

Just as you would not hunt deer in the middle of a lake, where you go depends on the prey you are hunting. Hunters and gatherers have always shared space. The same field used for getting plants has been the roaming place for pheasants. In the forest where berries are found, the deer and elk roam. In order to get the GIFT, you must go alone into the dark, scary forest called The Mall.

(If this is too drastic, a Department Store may help ease you into the experience.)

At each entrance of a Mall, there is a totem called a kiosk. This will help narrow down the hunt. The various stores are listed by item sold, so you can proceed directly to the quarry, avoiding the quick-sand and cliffs. Each store in a mall is divided as are department stores into specialized areas. Just as some fish like deep water, and others prefer shallow, the items sold there are separated as to type and size. There is usually an extra area designated for jewelry or electronic devices and cameras. Signs on or near the ceilings can lead you to the proper area.

Rules and Regulations

Getting a personal GIFT for your wife has specific rules, like a size limit on a fish caught in a lake. Here are some that will help keep you out of trouble

Buy her something she already has. Then she can exchange it for something she really likes and you will never know.

Avoid sizes. If you have to get her any clothing, get a size or two too small. This translates in her mind as a compliment.

No underwear, Teddies, or pajamas. This is interpreted as a gift for you, and also conflicts with rule two above.

If it comes from a store you are comfortable in, get something else. There are no personal items for women in sporting goods, hardware, liquor, or fishing/tackle stores. The possible exception is if you are building that romantic porch swing she has bugged you about for years. In this case, have it finished before Christmas, or you will have to go back into the forest for something else.

No plants, flowers, or cards. These are for other occasions, weddings, and deaths. These are interpreted as make-do gifts, such as those things you grab at the last minute at the airport, the gas station, or the check-out stand.

The GIFT must personal and impractical. The breadmaker and blender are used by everyone in the house, not just her. It must hers and hers alone. An exception would be an automobile. Compact – yes, Mini-van – no.

Things that enhance her personal hobby or collection are sure winners. If she collects Barbies, an expensive ceramic version would be an excellent trophy to give her.

Expensive candy is OK, but does not constitute the main GIFT. Put this in her Christmas stocking with the plastic candy cane you forgot to put back.

The Perfect Hunt

The best way to turn Christmas shopping into Christmas hunting would be to organize a hunting trip. Treat this the same as any other hunting expedition. Get together some buddies. Drive to the other side of the next state and camp. Drink and play poker until you all pass out. Wake up before dawn and walk at least a mile to the forest (mall). If its not open yet, have breakfast. Malls open earlier and stay open later as Christmas day approaches.

Divide into twos and hunt for the GIFT. Admire each others kill.

Unless the GIFT is a car hood ornament, it would be tacky to tie the GIFT to the hood of the car. Only something too large, such as exercise equipment, can hang out of the trunk with bungee cords.

Spend the rest of the day in the sports bar or golf course.

I have had a lot of success with this attitude toward getting the GIFT. On one experience, I tackled the greatest of all forests, Mall of America. I arrived on Christmas Eve morning at 7 am, parked right outside the door, and I was back in the car with her GIFT in 45 minutes. I wouldnt recommend this to an amateur hunter.

Once you get the hang of the Christmas Hunt, you can attempt the Anniversary Hunt or the Birthday Hunt, once you figureout which days those are.

[Thanks to Carey V. Smith]

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sisters house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, unstuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in the oven.

When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

If you think turtleneck is an ingrediant in soup, you might be a redneck.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?

Answer… Theyre Carols.

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, Is that Jesus down there? The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.



The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that Gods Boy down there? The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.



As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, For your kindness, you are healed! The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.



Jesus touched the Italian and said, For your kindness, you are healed! The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, Dont touch me! Im drawing disability!