I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride. Instead, he played in the box it came in.

It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and I got a hundred dollars worth of scotch.

1. Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we didnt have; this Christmas we are thinking about all the things we do have.

2. Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes; this Christmas we are placing wreaths on the graves of our heroes.

3. Last Christmas we were letting our sons play with toy guns; this Christmas we are teaching them that guns are not toys.

4. Last Christmas we were counting our money; this Christmas we are counting our blessings.

5. Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate; this Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate.

6. Last Christmas we paid lip service to the real meaning of the holidays; this Christmas we are paying homage to it.

7. Last Christmas we were digging deep into our bank accounts to find money to fly home for the holidays; this Christmas we are digging deep into our souls to find the courage to do so.

8. Last Christmas we were trying not to let annoying relatives get the best of us; this Christmas we are trying to give the best of ourselves to them.

9. Last Christmas we thought it was enough to celebrate the holidays; this Christmas we know we must also find ways to consecrate them.

10. Last Christmas we thought a man who could rush down a football field was a hero; this Christmas we know a man who rushes into a burning building is the real one.

11. Last Christmas we were thinking about the madness of the holidays; this Christmas we are thinking about the meaning of them.

12. Last Christmas we were getting on one anothers nerves; this Christmas we are getting on our knees.

13. Last Christmas we giving thanks for gifts from stores; this Christmas we are giving thanks for gifts from GOD.

14. Last Christmas we were wondering how to give our children all the things that money can buy; this Christmas we are wondering how to give them all the things money cant (peace, security).

15. Last Christmas we were thinking about all the pressure we are under at the office; this Christmas we are thinking about all the people who no longer have an office to go to.

16. Last Christmas we were singing carols; this Christmas we are singing anthems.

17. Last Christmas we were thinking how good it would feel to be affluent; this Christmas we are thinking how good it feels to be alive.

18. Last Christmas we thought angels were in heaven; this Christmas we know they are right here on earth.

19. Last Christmas we were contemplating all the changes we wanted to make in the new year; this Christmas we are contemplating all the changes we will have to make in this new reality.

20. Last Christmas we believed in the power of the pocketbook; this Christmas we believe in the power of prayer.

21. Last Christmas we were sharing/spreading/listening to gossip; this Christmas we are sharing/spreading and listening to the Gospel.

22. Last Christmas we were complaining about how much of our earnings went to taxes; this Christmas we comprehend that freedom isnt free.

23. Last Christmas we valued things that were costly; this Christmas we value things that are holy.

24. Last Christmas the people we idolized wore sports uniforms; this Christmas the people we idolize wear police, firefighter and military uniforms.

25. Last Christmas peace on earth is something we prayed for on Sunday morning; now its something we pray for every day.

Jones: The chinese make it an invariable rule to settle all their debts on New Years Day.

Smith: So I understand, but, then again, the Chinese dont have a Christmas the week before.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What was wrong with the boys brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track – all straight!

For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States,



Crossbeed Dogs:



Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet



Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries



Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed



Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog



Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle



Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists



Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors



Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes



Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly



Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesnt matter anyway



Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work



Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog thats true to the end

1. Reach in and grab the gibblets.

2. Whew…thats one terrific spread!

3. Im in the mood for a little dark meat!

4. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

5. Talk about a HUGE breast!

6. And he forces his way into the end zone!

7. Shes 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to

hold her down.

8. Its cool whip time!

9. If I dont unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!

10. It must be broken cause when I push on the tip,

nothing squirts out.

Ingredients

1/2 cup Hugs
4 tsp Kisses
2 cups Smiles
4 cups Love
1 cup Special Holiday Cheer
1/2 cup Peace on Earth
3 tsp Christmas Spirit
2 cups Goodwill Toward Man
1 Sprig of Mistletoe
1 medium-size bag of Christmas Snowflakes (the regular kind wont do!)

Method

Mix Hugs, Kisses, Smiles and Love until consistent. Blend in Holiday Cheer, Peace on Earth, Christmas Spirit and the Good Will toward Men. Use the mixture to fill a large, warm heart, where it can be stored for a lifetime. (It never goes bad!)

Serve as desired under mistletoe, sprinkled liberally with special Christmas Snowflakes.

It is especially good when accompanied by Christmas Carols and family get-togethers.

Serve to one and all.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other peoples ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skaters rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that its easier to go faster when youre always going downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian pahks his cah, the lost rs migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh his car and invest in erl wells.

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put Happy Thanksgiving under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with Merry Christmas up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says if you dont mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?

She says Im sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that theres nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.