Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

CHICAGO – The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights
of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge, stated that, Mr. Claus
has been violating childrens right to privacy and has been putting that
information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law
enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are
considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the
childrens rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and
other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr.
Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs.

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which reads,
in part:

You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better not pout.

Im telling you why:

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping

He knows when youre awake,

He knows when youve been bad or good,

So be good for goodness sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from a worker in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus organization, clearly shows a
concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of
the information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice
Department stated that, We believe a large number of parents, ministers,
and teachers are involved in this business, and we expect several of them
will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence. In
addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the
Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of
Mr. Claus, our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else, paying
any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr.
Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union, we believe
he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he
delivers.
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His supporters
are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no
way, be taken as a for of mind control or a violation of the civil
rights of children.
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country with which the United States
currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at
the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his North Pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department
will discover they have no basis.
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus Christmas travels this year.

For the twelve days of Christmas my Tutu (Grandmother) gave to me:

12 missionaries

11 televisions

10 cans of soda

9 Pounds of poi

8 ukuleles

7 shrimps a swimming

6 hula lessons

5 Luau pigs!

4 Flower Leis

3 Dried squid

2 coconuts

and a Myna bird in a papaya tree

August 23rd.

Just moved to Seattle. Lovely weather, about 75 degrees, no clouds, beautiful trees and mountains, especially Mt. Rainier. Puget Sound … how cool is that. I wonder how everything stays so green even in the summer?? People here are sure lucky to have such a beautiful outdoors to play in. Only 50 miles to the mountains and 70 to the sea. I love it here.

August 25th.

Drove out to the mountains yesterday. It took 2.5 hours just to get to the top of the pass? I wonder why traffic was so heavy? It was barely moving. When I got to the other side it was even slower because of road construction. Sure was pretty though, another beautiful day, even though I spent the better part of it in the car. Next time Ill make sure to leave earlier so I can miss the traffic. Also remember not to stop in North Bend for gas it took like an hour??

August 26th.

What happened to the nice weather? Gosh its cold! only about 54 degrees, yesterday it was 84. These clouds are very low and grey it sure looks like its going to rain I was going to wash the car and mow the lawn but I better not if its going to rain.

August 27th.

Weather is the same as yesterday. Very grey and depressing but its not raining so Ill wash the car and mow the lawn today. The weatherman says its going to be sunny tomorrow. I think Ill play some golf.

August 28th.

Pouring down rain. Cold. Kind of pissed off because I spent 4.5 hours washing and waxing my black car because the weatherman said it was going to be sunny today. Not to mention I shelled out $150.00 to play this fancy golf course and it poured down rain the whole time. Boy the weatherman kind of missed that one. Ill bet he feels dumb.

September 28th.

Geez, except for those few days at the beginning of September, its rained almost every day. Must be the rainy season in Seattle. Oh well, it keeps the reservoirs full and the trees green. Looking forward to those crisp clear fall days and football season!

October 31st.

Halloween. Cold as hell and raining. Poor kids, thats not much fun trick or treating in that weather. All their little costumes getting ruined. The weatherman said it was going to be clear and crisp for the trick or treaters? This guy seems to be wrong alot in his forecasts. Hes probably not a weatherman at all. His Dad must be some big wig and got him the job. Ill going to watch another station with a real weatherman.

November 1st.

At home with my knee elevated. Doctors orders. Pulled the ligaments really bad chasing down some little bastards that smashed my pumpkins. Boy a wooden deck with Thompsons watersealer on it is slicker than snot when its wet. Still raining. My knee is killing me. I can still hear those kids laughing.

November 28th.

Does it rain every freaking day here?! It sure seems like it. You wanna know cold? Try 40 degrees with rain being blown into you at 15 miles an hour. Burr! People always talk about the beautiful mountains here. Well I havent seen them in at least a month. And why are people so afraid of driving in the rain?! Lets go! The forecast calls for some sun though so Ill get some yard work done this weekend.

November 30th.

Rained all weekend but now its sunny … Allright! … Finally! Sure feels good to feel the sun on your face again. Now I remember why I like this place so much. Its almost December and its 54 degrees and sunny. I think Ill wash the car. Weatherman says this high pressure system should stay with us for awhile and push this system well to the north of us.

December 1st.

F#*)@$& raining again. I just washed the F#*)@$& car! What is the deal with these weathermen. Theyre wrong every F#*)@$& time! They are blaming offshore flow for kicking this system a little south and into our region. Whatever. Pardon my French but F#*)@$& the Rain!

December 25th.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Its F#*)@$& raining again. Merry F#*)@$& Christmas.

February 1st.

Ha Ha! Its day 62 of constant rain. I threw my milkshake at some son-of-a-bitch on the freeway this morning. Cut me off will you? Doubt it. Too bad its raining because it cleaned the milkshake off his car. Oh well he got the message. Cant let people mess with you on the road. You better take your openings when you can or they will walk all over you. Why do people drive so slow in the rain! What are they afraid of? It rains here every day!, how are you supposed to enjoy the beautiful outdoors?

February 3rd.

Man its beautiful outside. Its like 60 degrees and sunny. Sweet weather for February. Im just going to enjoy it. Im not going to jinx it either by washing my car. No sir! Boy its pretty here. The snow covered mountains, crystal blue water, big green trees. Think Ill head up to the mountains.

February 4th.

That was by far the worst traffic I have encountered on the pass yet. Every Idiot and grandmother was on the road yesterday. Hey look its sunny lets all get in the car!

February 8th.

Geez its still sunny. It feels like spring. Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming. It sure is a nice place to live. I guess it doesnt rain that much. Gosh its a beautiful day, I think Ill wash the car.

February 9th.

I KNEW IF I WASHED THE CAR IT WOULD START RAINING! F!@&! I hate it here.

March 1st.

We are having a wicked storm. 50mph winds. Trees down. Powers out. Cable is out. (why does the cable always go out when the wind blows if the cable is in the ground.) What is this, day 21 or 22 of straight rain? How high are those clouds off the ground, 50 feet?!

April 1st.

I guess this is the only state where no one knows the fast lane rule. Weatherman says rain for at least the next two weeks, and he said it with a big goofy smile. Thats not funny, not funny at all.

April 12th.

84 DEGREES! Wow, its beautiful here. It was a nasty winter but spring is finally here! If we have spring and summer like this I guess I can take a little rain in the winter. What a place!

April 30th.

Eleventh straight day of rain. Cold too, about 50 degrees. I thought spring was here. Thats what you get for thinking. I would like meet up with this weather clown someday. I like the rain. he says. Smack!

May 20th.

Big surprise! Still raining! How many ways do these idiot weathermen have for describing rain. Showers, partial showers, slight showers, increasing showers, decreasing showers, heavy showers, light showers, partial showers with areas of heavy downfall, mild showers … yadda, yadda, yadda.

June 21.

The first day of summer! Raining! 54 degrees. My car is starting to smell like mildew, it been wet for the last 6 months. I think Im starting to get webbed feet. The commute was only 15 hours today…Joy! Oh well I have the big fourth of July picnic to look forward to. Some cold beers in the hot sun, cant wait.

July 4th.

Not having too much fun. I forgot my coat and am freezing my rear off. I dont know exactly what we are experiencing here, I think its just plain old showers, but maybe its partial showers with periods of rain. No problem keeping the beer cold though. I have a project for next weekend: cleaning the beans and potato salad out of my car. I had to eat in my car because all the trees were taken and I had to get out of the rain. I hate it here.

July 28th.

Cloudy and cool. But its not raining. Thank God its not hot! Who would want it hot in the summer?? I figured out what people do here for fun. Hey honey get the kids … lets get in the car and go sit in some traffic!

August 14th.

Exchanged gunfire on the road today. He appeared prepared for gunfire but wasnt ready for the ramming. The 750 lb. iron bar attached to the front of my Porsche looks a little weird but it works! A little tap on these wet roads and he was in the ditch.

August 24th.

Got out of jail this morning. What an experience! Had to get a ride home as my license has been taken away. Whats this? sunshine? 80 degrees, guess summer is here? What a beautiful day. Its so pretty with the mountains and the water and the trees …

Q: Whats a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

This was posted last year and I havent seen it yet, so I thought I would send it out for those of you who missed it. Sorry, I forgot to save the authors name, etc. (apologies to the author).

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.

It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilberts mother, Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate.

I doubt that, said the mother, but youre welcome to try.

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilberts ear. Wilberts eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mothers hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santas words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldnt utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilberts mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilberts stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: He said, Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you dont climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, Im going to kick the living piss out of you!

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years – and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.

The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collettes plotting his revenge–if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkels mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student.

He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didnt like them. So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins miserable, wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.

The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the bale to Collette.

Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collettes name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracons outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

This will take some planning, Collette said. I will definitely get them out. Im confident. But hes waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

Wait until next year, he warned. Im on the offensive again.

Banta Singh saw that his friend santa Singh was very

depressed.

What happened ? asked banta.

Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . How come ?

Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England

was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win,

but I lost the bet.

But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ? Yaar, I

bet on the highlights too

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

1. Combating Stupidity

2. You, too, can do housework

3. PMS — Learn when to keep your mouth shut.

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas — Give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled Dont wash my silks)

8. Parenting — No, it doesnt end with conception

9. Get a life — learn to cook

10. How not to act like an jerk when youre obviously wrong 11.

11. Spelling — Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You — The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake after sex

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage — Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without It if you really try

19. The morning dilemma if Its awake. Take a shower

20. Ill wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly No, its not a bidet)

22. The weekend and sports are not synonyms

23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are BS

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control — Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism – Ideas other than sex

27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

28. Mother-in-laws — They are people, too

29. Male bonding — Leaving your friends at home

30. You too can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly No, you dont look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!)

32. Changing your underwear — It really works

33. Techniques for calling home