Is There a Santa Claus? A Rebuttal…



Rebuttal: Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish study.



Flying reindeer: As is widely known due to the excellent historical documentary Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (a no-punches- pulled look at life in Santas village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer–obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.



Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches. Thus, Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.



Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you dont believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters–theyll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.



Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there is a significant number (on the order of several million) of one-child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled–and therefore disproportionately inclined toward being naughty–since its the holidays well be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single-child households from Santas delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run.



Santas delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name Santa is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the companys need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Happy Holidays!

Santas Workshop Inc., a Limited Liability Partnership Corporation

In response to Fridays Santa is a woman, I offer the following:

Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal that Santa has to be a man. Delegation … thats the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. Wed have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet … there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) Thats a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Years Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, shed be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boys house in a single year, let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving ones self esteem. Christmas just wouldnt be the same.

Ill tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer … Dasher, Comet, Blitzen … If those arent male names for football players, than Im an elf.

[Thanks to BS Pyle]

And besides:

Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would:

Be really generous once a year,
Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months,
(And 29 days, well give him Christmas Eve & Day),
And yet think he was a saint?

Plus … No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year after year!!!

Q: What are the famous last words of a redneck?

A: Hey yall… Watch this!

BOY : Since we met, I cant eat or drink…
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : Im broke. BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isnt heavy. GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it?? GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me… GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, whats your phone number?? GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Dont you ever want to improve?? BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon?? SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. Hed forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because Im wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick. Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. Mary : John says Im pretty. Andy says Im ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think youre pretty ugly. Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two. Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes. Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They havent finished the water I gave them last week. Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, its a sponge cake, isnt it? It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. What are you charged with? he asked.
Doing my Christmas shopping early, replied the defendant.
Thats no offense, replied the judge. How early were you doing this shopping?
Before the store opened, countered the prisoner.

Why do witches fly on brooms?

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

SYDNEY (Sydney Morning Herald, 02-15)
A lawyer charged a woman client $26 (Australian) for opening and reading a Christmas card she had sent him. He billed her an additional $26 for calling and thanking her for sending him the card.

ISTANBUL (Reuter, 02-11)
Turkish thieves stole 210 pairs of shoes from outside the Vali Kamil Acun mosque, as Muslim worshipers were praying inside.

BOGOTA (Reuters, 02-05)
Six family members were stabbed to death by thieves who stole a clay piggy bank containing about $150 in coins.

20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picards desk.
19. The ball in Parisis Squares.
18. Hood ornament for shuttlecraft.
17. Replace Trois broken Chia Pet.
16. Scare blind students in Braille class.
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews.
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum.
13. Footstool for Captains chair.
12. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores.
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline Entity as gag gift.
9. Decorative air filter in Picards fish tank.
8. Send to Starfleet Android Research Center, so they can get a head in research.
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.
6. Two words: tether ball!
5. Keep Worfs coffee table from shaking.
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be Head of the Class.
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time.

   And the number one use for Datas detatchable head …

1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy.

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: Well have a boo Christmas without you.