Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods…On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, thats the only time I have to work on my hair!)On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But its just a suggestion!)On Tescos Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Lets experiment.)On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldnt that save more time?)
(Whose body?)On Boots Childrens cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now Im curious.)On Sainsburys peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if youve tried this…)On a childs Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! Thats right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
Work requests are not to be filed under Bah humbug.
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmas house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

– Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

– 21% of us dont make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

– Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

– 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

– 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

– 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*

– 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

– 29% admit theyve intentionally stolen something from a store.

– 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

– 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)

– 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

– 82% believe in an afterlife.

– 45% believe in ghosts.

– 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

– 29% are virgins when they marry.

– 58.4% have called into work sick when we werent.

– 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

– Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

– 35% give to charity at least once a month.

– How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.

– 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

– When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

– Snickers is the most popular candy.

– 22% of us skip lunch daily.

– 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

– 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

– Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

– 45% use mouthwash every day.

– 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

– The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

– Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

– 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

– 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

– 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

– 33% of women lie about their weight.

– 10% claim to have seen a ghost.

– 57% have had deja vu.

– 49% believe in ESP.

– 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

– 44% have broken a bone.

– 14% have attended a self-help meeting.

– 15% regularly go to a shrink.

– 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

– 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after theyve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. Whats up?

– 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

– 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

– 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!

– 39% of us peek in our hosts bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host… whoops, uh.. just looking for the uh…

– 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his pants).

– 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

– 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, My son aint illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!]

– Less than 10% are trilingual.

– 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

– 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

– 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

– 2 out of 3 of us wouldnt give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. Now, make it TWO million and half the night… : )

– 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

– 40% of us have had music lessons.

– 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

– 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

– 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men, (and they say statistics dont lie. See 91% Americans lie regularly for details. Yeah, we know the rest of you men just

have wives who TELL you the anniversary is coming up!)

– 59% of us say were average-looking.

– Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

– 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

– 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

– 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

– 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

– On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

– 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

– 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

– The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

– Only 4% asked the parents approval for their brides hand.

– 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

– 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]

– 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

– 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd : ) ]

– 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

– 1/3 of us dont wear seat belts.

– 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

– 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

– 25% drive after theyve been drinking.

– 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

– 1 in 3 have had an extramarital affair.

– 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of
real property (hereinafter the House) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including,
but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney
in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus
(hereinafter Claus) would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual
beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and
otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as I), being the
joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter Mamma),
and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad
in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property
adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief,
a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the Vehicle) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)
reindeer and specifically identified

Congratulations on your wedding day ! Too bad no one likes your Wife. How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby? Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, Ive changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in
Hell til I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that youre not here to
ruin it for me. If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope its your sister. As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me.
Like the need for therapy… Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back. Youll probably need it again. Someday I hope to get married, but not to you. Happy Birthday ! You look great for your age…… Almost Lifelike! When we were together, you always said youd die for me. Now that
weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys. Im so miserable without you, its almost like youre here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was? Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday– so
were having you put to sleep. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! ( available only in Kentucky ) Sis, arent we proud of our baby? ( available only in Arkansas )

A burglar breaks into a lawyers house and takes all his Christmas presents from under the tree.

He gets out, but the police nab him.

The thief says, You cant arrest me, cause Im entitled to the presents of an attorney.

Genetically discriminating – racistGeological correction – earthquakeGerontologically advanced – oldGovernment employee – stupidGrammatically challenged – one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spellingGravitationally challenged – fatHorizontally challenged – thinHorizontally gifted – fatIn denial – unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened in recovery – drunk/junkieIntellectually impaired – stupidLaw enforcement officer – policemanLiving impaired – deadMaintenance hole – man-holeMale gender biased – prefers men who shave their chestsMechanically challenged – broken down automobileMelanin-impoverished – whiteMetabolically challenged – deadMicroslothically challenged – windows userMonetarily challenged – poorMorally (ethically) challenged – a crookMorally handicapped – someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zoneMotivationally dispossessed – lazyMusically delayed – tone deafNasally disadvantaged – really big noseNasally gifted – runny noseNasally gifted – large noseNitpicklike – humor challengedOne who is pc – target practiceOntologically challenged – fictional or mythologicalOsmotically challenged – thirstyOther aged – too old/young (dual purpose)Outdoor urban dwellers – homelessParking enforcement aduciator – meter maidPeople of height – too tallPerson of region – redneck

Yesterday I visited a translation website and translated some Christmas carols into other languages, then back into English. The results as follows:

Jingleglocken, jingleglocken, jingle completely.

Oh which fun it is to ride into a horse-opened sleigh.

(Jingle Bells, translated into German and then back into English)

Ring of sleighbells, are you listening?

In the track the snow is shining.

A beautiful vista, we are tonight happy,

Walking in the country of the wonders of the winter.

(Winter Wonderland, Spanish)

Icily Snowman a lucky merry soul

With one was formed from a key corncob,

And the nose and two eyes, those from coal.

(Frosty the Snowman, German)

Rudolph the red-nose reindeer has had a nose a lot polishes,

And if you never saw it, you would even say that she emits light.

(Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Italian)

You would improve the clock towards the outside,

You would improve not the shout,

You would improve not the codfish.

I is saying to him Papa Noel is coming to the city.

(Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, Spanish)

By Robin Pearce (a psychologist with time on his hands)

(And thanks to Steve Kilbride)

Q: What do the female reindeers do when the male reindeers go out with Santa on Christmas Eve?

A: They go into town and blow a few bucks.