Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because its to far to walk.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

A dime bag of Panama Red

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the forth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Seven cubes of crack

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the eight day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Eight healthy roaches

Seven cubes of crack

Six joints a smoking

Five pounds of hashish

Four pink pills

Three snorts of coke

Two hits of acid

And a dime bag of Panama Red

On the ninth day, everybody ODd and they were all rushed to St. John General Hospital where they were given nine wiffs of nitro, and nine bottles of Valium. Then everybody ODs on Valium and they all die horribly…

Seasons Greetings,

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens were boycotted, after the French insistance on continuing nuclear testing;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen and/or senators. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrifieced, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen and/or this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line…

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers a-suing) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarves is the right number.

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season



Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).



1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under Bah humbug.

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmas house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.



In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Mrs. Sally is a very strict second grade teacher who doesn’t want the kids in her class to use baby words, so when Christmas break comes around she tells her students that she wants them to use big people words over the break. When they come back Mrs. Sally asks the students, “so does anyone have a story from break they want to share?”
Little Molly raises her hand and answers, “I went to my papa and nana’s house.”
Mrs. Sally gets upset and says, “Molly, we do not say papa and nana we say grandparents!”
Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Joe raises his hand and says, “I rode in a choo choo.”
Again Mrs. Sally gets frustrated and tells her students that you do not say choo choo you say train. Mrs. Sally asks again if anyone has a story and little Billy raises his hand.
“And what did you do over break Billy?” Asks Mrs. Sally
“Well me and my mom read Winnie the sh*t over break.”

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you? Wheres the regular guy?

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say Theyve found me, I have to leave the country and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas. If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourettes Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/hes not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out Screw this! and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling Im here, the phantom of the opera until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say you dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.

36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise youre not just failing, youre getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,

chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say it helps me think. Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Dont forget to use the phrase Told you so.

50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.

You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on well perspire, as we dream by the fire.
Hes makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel … Barneys the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
Youll go down in Listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
Youll tell Carol, Be a skunk, I require
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Two redneck wives were drinking tea and the one noticed that the other was pregnant.

We dont have to worry about that! said one, pointing to her friends tummy. For years now we are using the Bucket and saucer method of contraception.

And what may that be? asked the pregnant one.

You see, my husband is quite short. So we do it standing up and he stands on a bucket to reach. So I watch him, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!