Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies Id nibbled, the eggnog Id taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.



When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).



Id remember the marvelous meals Id prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,



The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way Id never said, No thank you, please.



As I dressed myself in my husbands old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—



I said to myself, as I only can

You cant spend a winter disguised as a man!



So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip



Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.



I wont have a cookie–not even a lick.

Ill want only to chew on a long celery stick.



I wont have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

Ill munch on a carrot and quietly cry.



Im hungry, Im lonesome, and life is a bore—

But isnt that what January is for?



Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings had been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control].

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North Pole.



Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.



The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.



I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.



As a further restructuring, todays global challenges required the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:



The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.



The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.



[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French!]



The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.



The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.



The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrade in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.



The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.



As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.



Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.



Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.



Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.



We can expect a substantial reduction is assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days in inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.



Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Microsoft Version



Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, except Papas mouse.

The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,

As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care

In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,

And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.

The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,

To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State

Because Santas workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.

All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle

To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,

St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,

With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,

And a house on Lake Washington thats just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens

In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.

The elves have stock options and desks with a view,

Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums

Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS

With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,

From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,

And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,

Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist,

Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist

Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,

And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts scheme,

And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream.

To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!

And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winters nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,

The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.

As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,

My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates

Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.

And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,

Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas



Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.



Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.



Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.



Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…



Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.



Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.



Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.



Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.)



Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.



Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roomates two front teeth…



Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.



Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!



Whip your roomate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.



Tear down all your roomates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!



Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!



Tell your roomate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.



Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.



Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.



Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomates friends give it a yank.



Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.



Stand in front of the mirror reciting How the Grinch Stole Christmas over and over in your underwear.



Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.



Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, he sees you when youre sleeping…



Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her I had to let them stay here, theres no room at the inn.



When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santas elves must have done it.

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.



II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the humans bare foot.



III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.



IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.



V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.



VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

15. Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas

14. Spike Lees Get On the Sleigh



13. Van Damme IS Santa Claude



12. Michael Jackson stars in Im Dreaming of a White Christmas



11. The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted



10. Theres No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown



9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in Naked Buns II



8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in Grumpy Old Elves



7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in Reindeer Man (Of course, Id be an excellent President.)



6. Its a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor



5. Steven Segal IS MissleToe



4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in Ho, Ho, Ho!



3. Hes got a red nose and an Uzi. And hes about to teach them some new reindeer games in Rudolph II — First Blood



2. Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas



1. No, YOU Open It! — A Ted Kaczynski Christmas

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings had been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control].

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North Pole.



Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.



The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.



I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.



As a further restructuring, todays global challenges required the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:



The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.



The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.



[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French!]



The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.



The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.



The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrade in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.



The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.



As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.



Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.



Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.



Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.



We can expect a substantial reduction is assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days in inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.



Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: In the end, someone is going to loose a house trailer.

Whats the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

Hey yall… Watch this!



How To Pick Up A Chick In Arkansas:

Hey Baby! Nice tooth.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

You think the last three words of the national

anthem is start your engines.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

One of your kids was born on a pool table.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

If you refer to the fifth grade as, your senior year.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

You think the stock market has fence around it.



You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the

dump and bring back more than you took.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Your grandfather died and left everything to his

widow… but she cant touch it til shes fourteen.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Youve ever burped and killed a fly



You Might Be A Redneck If…

There were dogs in the church on your wedding day



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Youre saving up to gravel your driveway.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Youve ever bought a used cap.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids

its a water park.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Youve ever had to have a wrecker pull your car

out of a pothole in your driveway.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Youve ever had a dream about beef jerky.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story,

but you sure like to look at the pictures.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Youve ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the

grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.



You Might Be A Redneck If…

The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.

You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer and your sister to get to second base.