The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer).

Answer: The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling

By the way, if youre a woman and youre still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Level I:
Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors doerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing Christmas carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.

Level II:
Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors doerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing I Gotta Be Me while others begin rearranging your Christmas ornaments.

Level III:
Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that havent passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing I Cant Get No Satisfaction, which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors doerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Level IV:
Your guests, hors doerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog.

In reference to Santa is a woman: Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal that Santa has to be a man. Delegation … thats the key. Just imagine if a woman was trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and (usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task would overwhelm most females. Wed have to plan football schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or worse yet … there might not be any football at all. (Shudder) Thats a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It would take a she Santa until New Years Eve to get dressed (for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never happen. Once she got underway, shed be too busy talking on the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around the world to every girl and boys house in a single year, let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be none of the noise making, shoot em up, battery operated windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on improving ones self esteem. Christmas just wouldnt be the same.

Ill tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer … Dasher, Comet, Blitzen … If those arent male names for football players, than Im an elf.

And if that isnt proof enough, consider the following:

Santa Claus could never have been a woman! Who else but a man would:

Be really generous once a year,
Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months,
(And 29 days, well give him Christmas Eve & Day),

And yet think he was a saint?

And the clincher: No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.

Dear Santa,

Were worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.

The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have a clear-cut case of rosacea, a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry.

Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion … all things you may encounter this time of year.

The one bright note in Dr. Litts message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about your facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs.

OBESITY

Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. Weve seen the pictures; weve noticed you in the malls. And weve heard that your tummy shakes like a bowlful of jelly when you chuckle. On this, well take part of the blame. All these years, weve set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve.

With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make an overnight snack of 2,000,000 cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe its time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to consult a physician before beginning any exercise regimen.

PIPE SMOKING

Youve been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed its only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmokers risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipes just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, youre not just a saint, youre a role model.

STRESS

Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news A medical news service says laughter – as evidenced by your trademark Ho, ho, ho – is one of the best stress-busters going.

SOOT

We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland (WA) said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY)

Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year weve noticed youre also receiving, and answering, e-mail on at least four Internet addresses. We applaud your move on to the information superhighway, with this caution: Too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.

DEER MITES

Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood (WA). Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.

FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA

You usually bundle up, and thats good. A Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

MALL THUGS

You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

MEMORY TROUBLE

Its been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or are you developing a little memory problem?

SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER)

This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.

VIRAL INFECTIONS

A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is cold and flu season, dont you?

SLEIGH ACCIDENTS

Weve seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and wed sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through metropolitan areas, be sure to cover the load.

JET LAG

Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in one night, like you do.

SKYJACKERS

Okay, youve been lucky so far, but theyre out there. Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that youre still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas. But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us, you DO have insurance, dont you?

Sincerely,

Jack Brown

Seattle, Washington

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country: 1) My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. 4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()s were crossed out.] 12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. 13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his fathers fault. 15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I dont know what size she wears. 16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 17) Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. 19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse.

Cuz the cat had pounced on him

and tore him apart-

Ate his mousey intestines

And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,

which made him take pause-

He stopped daintily licking

the blood from his claws.

Must be Santa thought Kitty

(that quite clever cat)

Cuz nobody else climbs down

the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol Santa,

so jolly and fat

With a load of presents

and all for the cat!

Wow, the best Christmas ever!

Kitty thought with a purr,

Then he coughed up a hairball

and shed some more fur.

(Thanks to IrisMist)

I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.

RE: Chrismukah

Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning

for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his

back and gets up for work.


Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, One of these days,

youre gonna fart your guts out!


One Thanksgiving morning, Marthas preparing the turkey and

gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs

and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling

to herself.


Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his

morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the

bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that

Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.


She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when

Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, You were right. You

were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God

and these two fingers I got them back up there again.

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always Well, you asked
for the presents and they came, didnt they? I finally understood the
full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual
device: A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a
manner indistinguishable from the real device. Mother was telling me
that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who
responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the
real saint.
Mother also taught the IF … THEN … ELSE structure: If its
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just
wear your shoes.
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
Well wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but
well wash these socks out right now by hand because youll need them this
afternoon.
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she
laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling
where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure.
She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after
doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when
only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she
applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by
buying our socks three identical p airs at a time. This greatly
increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was the
n mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an
instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of
physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder
herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea
kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the
dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top
so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldnt be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid whos ever misbehaved at a neighbors house finds out,
all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. Thats a local area
network of distributed processors that cant be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter the House) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter Claus) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as I), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter Mamma), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the Vehicle) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehivle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the Deer). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute gifts to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as lookouts. Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! Or words to that effect.

Respectfully Submitted, s./

The Grinch