10. Youll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than

a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.


9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and

stuffing with an ice cream scooper.


8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.


7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to

the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat

with toilet paper.


6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car,

bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for

only four days.


5. To eat your meals the only trek youll have to make is

from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the

dining hall…in below freezing weather.


4. Instead of listening to when I first started teaching

here… you can be entertained by when your mother was your

age… and during the Depression we werent lucky enough to

have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the

sprout!


3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than

popped in your microwave


2. Youll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You wont be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa. Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red nose! and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that youve

choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
the sales people at the local computer store cant answer any of your questions.
you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
you can type 70 words per minute but cant read your own handwriting.
you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
you know what http:// stands for.
you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids toys together.
you see a good design and still have to change it.
you window shop at Radio Shack.
your laptop computer costs more than your car.
your wife hasnt the foggiest idea what you do at work.
youve already calculated how much you make per second.
youve tried to repair a $5 radio.

A Christmas tree is always erect.
Even small ones give satisfaction.
A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
A Christmas tree always looks good – even when its lit.
A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.
You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
You dont have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you break one of its balls.
You only have to feed/water it once a week.
Its always there to light up your life.
It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
It always smells nice and doesnt pass gas.
If it needles you, you can toss it out.
It doesnt ask you to have little Christmas trees.

Professor Sokolsky was lecturing his Atomic physics class.He asked, If molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any further?

A pupil replied, Im not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked fragile.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,

No noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down.

No children in flannels were tucked into bed,

They all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, was not very hard,

For holly trees grew in every back yard.

In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were

Adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,

Hoping to find water skis under the tree.

They all knew that Santa was well on his way,

In a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,

He hadnt a second to linger or shirk.

He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,

In an S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,

And lighted the way for old Santa below.

As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,

He was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,

There werent any chimneys, but that caused him no gloom,

For Santa came in through the Florida room.

He stopped at each house … stayed only a minute,

Emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.

Before he departed, he treated himself

To a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.

He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,

Remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas

And up the main highway he went like a flash.

And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,

MERRY CHRISTMAS YALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased
by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Chinese people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PCs.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood
from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 ot 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but
never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be wom with a home run in the bottom of
the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys dont take drugs.
40. The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate
to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in
a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendors carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed
car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that
everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20
minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the
victim seeing or hearing him until the he is about to drive a huge
carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to
check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants
to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance
behind them quickly, but cant use that speed to actually catch
the person theyre chasing.
55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in NY).

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have bat breath…

MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL

To: All EMS Personnel

From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

Stroke patients are NOT Charlie Carrots. Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or hamburger helper. Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like negative vehicle to vehicle interface or terminal deceleration syndrome.

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not glow worms.

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered pharmaceutically gifted.

Gunshot wounds to the head are not trans-occipital implants.

The homeless are not urban outdoorsmen, nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a PVC Challenge.

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being paws up, ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Youd better watch out,
Youd better not cry,
Youd better not pout;
Im telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone. Hes bugging your room,
Hes reading your mail,
Hes keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesnt get the goods,
Then hell use provocateurs.So–you mustnt assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
Hell kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.