With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Clauss sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good Ill certify you to fly.

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as hes starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? Santa yells.

The inspector says, Well, Santa, Im really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff.

Christmas controversies & various solutions

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE:Live tree, planted after use
MALE:Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE:Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY:Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE:Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE:Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE:Elegant flickering candles
REALITY:Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE:Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE:Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE:Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY:Hells Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE:Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE:Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE:Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY:More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning?
YUPPIE:Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE:Anytime, just so it doesnt interfere with football
FEMALE:Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY:Doesnt matter, everyones peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner?
YUPPIE:Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE:Anything, as theres plenty of both it and beer
FEMALE:A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY:Chinese carry-out or McDonalds

These are actual signs seen across the USA:

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On a movie theater: Childrens matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.

In a florida maternity ward: No children allowed

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a toy department: Five santa clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personel

On a display of Youre my one and only valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan

In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

In a mens clothing store: 15 mens wool suits — $10.00. They wont last an hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End

In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come right here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends

In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a private school: No tresspassing without permission

In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you cant read this, its time to wash your car.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Hand made gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and youll never go anywhere again.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in you home for $1.

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:

Merry Christmas to you and please dont worry. Im just fine considering that I cant breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. Ive sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope youll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so theyll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet shes never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, its time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but dont you worry about me. Im also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now dont you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is – the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Instead of an hourglass icon youd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally youd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naw
Instead of Ta-Da!, the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player youd hear a digitized drunk
redneck yelling Freebird!
Instead of Start Me Up, the Winders 95 theme song would be
Achy-Breaky Heart
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
Microsofts programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.
New Shutdown WAV: Yall come back now!
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called Cuz
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrsawft Henhouse
Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
Well, the first thing you know, old Bills a billionaire
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in
your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Redman plugnplay interface.
They could still use Kay-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny
would be the one after that.
Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program
manager.
Instructions for use would include mash the control key.

On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 sound cards silent

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin

8 Megs overflowin

7 files missin

6 ints conflictin

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows 98 for my PC

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, Mr. Claus has been violating childrens right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the childrens rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs.

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:

You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better not pout.

Im telling you why.

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping

He knows when youre awake,

He knows when youve been bad or good

So be good for goodness sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the distribution department of Mr. Claus organization, … clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?

Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice stated, We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence.

In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers.

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of mind control or a violation of the civil rights of children.

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis.

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus Christmas travels this year.

You might be a red neck if your dad walks you to school because youre both in the same grade!


you might be a redneck if you mow your yard and find a 1956 chevy!

The pet store was selling them for $5 a piece. I thought that odd since they
were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the
mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was
Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept
punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals.
I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds
and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its
novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all
died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kind of like when
you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didnt know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on
the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200
throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had
one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while,
that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didnt want to call
the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was
only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30
seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my
freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasnt
improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasnt allowed
to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldnt
take that one either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends
didnt know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could
tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.