1) You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

2) You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

3) Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack of beer and a bucket of smelt.

4) Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.

5) You know how to play euchre.

6) The big mac is something you drive across.

7) You bake with soda and you drink pop.

8) You drive 76 on the highway and pass on the right.

9) Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.

10) You learned to drive a boat before you learned to ride a bicycle.

11) You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".

12) You occasionally cheer "Go Lions — and take the Tigers with you."

13) The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical definition.

14) You have ever experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

15) You expect Vernors when you order ginger ale.

16) You know that Kalamazoo not only actually exists, but that it  isnt very far from Hell.

17) Your favorite holiday are Christmas, Thanksgiving and the first day of deer season (for which schools are officially closed).

18) Your snowmobile and fishing boat have a big block Chevy engine.

19) At least one member in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan vs. Michigan State football game.

20) Your year has two seasons, winter and construction.

21) You know what a millage is.

22) Travelling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.

23) Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.

24) You can identify an Ohio accent.

25) You show people where you grew up by pointing to your right hand.

    Twas the night beforeChristmas and Santas a wreck…

    How to live in a worldthats politically correct?

    His workers no longer wouldanswer to "Elves".

    "VerticallyChallenged" they were calling themselves.

    And labor conditions at thenorth pole

    Were alleged by the unionto stifle the soul.

    Four reindeer had vanished,without much propriety,

    Released to the wilds bythe Humane Society.

    And equal employment hadmade it quite clear

    That Santa had better notuse just reindeer.

    So Dancer and Donner, Cometand Cupid,

    Were replaced with 4 pigs,and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had beenremoved from his sleigh;

    The ruts were termeddangerous by the E.P.A.

    And people had started tocall for the cops

    When they heard sled noiseson their roof-tops.

    Second-hand smoke from hispipe had his workers quite frightened.

    His fur trimmed red suitwas called "Unenlightened."

    And to show you thestrangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

    Rudolf was suing overunauthorized use of his nose

    And had gone on Geraldo, infront of the nation,

    Demanding millions inover-due compensation.

    So, half of the reindeerwere gone; and his wife,

    Who suddenly said shedenough of this life,

    Joined a self-help group,packed, and left in a whiz,

    Demanding from now on hertitle was Ms.

    And as for the gifts, why,hed neer had a notion

    That making a choice couldcause so much commotion.

    Nothing of leather, nothingof fur,

    Which meant nothing forhim. And nothing for her.

    Nothing that might beconstrued to pollute.

    Nothing to aim. Nothing toshoot.

    Nothing that clamored ormade lots of noise.

    Nothing for just girls. Orjust for the boys.

    Nothing that claimed to begender specific.

    Nothing thats warlike ornon-pacific.

    No candy or sweets…theywere bad for the tooth.

    Nothing that seemed toembellish a truth.

    And fairy tales, while notyet forbidden,

    Were like Ken and Barbie,better off hidden.

    For they raised the hacklesof those psychological

    Who claimed the only goodgift was one ecological.

    No baseball, nofootball…someone could get hurt;

    Besides, playing sportsexposed kids to dirt.

    Dolls were said to besexist, and should be passe;

    And Nintendo would rot yourentire brain away.

    So Santa just stood there,disheveled, perplexed;

    He just could not figureout what to do next.

    He tried to be merry, triedto be gay,

    But youve got to becareful with that word today.

    His sack was quite empty,limp to the ground;

    Nothing fully acceptablewas to be found.

    Something special wasneeded, a gift that he might

    Give to all withoutangering the left or the right.

    A gift that would satisfy,with no indecision,

    Each group of people, everyreligion;

    Every ethnicity, every hue,

    Everyone, everywhere…evenyou.

    So here is that gift, itsprice beyond worth…

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peaceon Earth."

Der next night vas Christmas
Der night it vas still
Der stockings ver hung
By der shimney to fill.

Nothing vas sturring
At all in der Haus
For fear dot St. Nicklaus
Vos nichts komm heraus.

Der shuldren vas tucked
Away in der betts
And Mama in her nacht gown
And I on ahead

Vas searching around
In her trunk for der toys
Ve krept round quiet
To not make der noise.

Now Mama was carrying
Der toys in her gown
Showing her person
Von up her vaist down.

Wenn as ve komm near
Der crib uff our boy
Our youngest, our sweetest
Our pride und our joy.

His eyes opened vider
As he peeked from his cot
And seen everything
Dot his Mutter has got.

But he didnt take notice
Der toys in her lap
But chust asked
For who is dot lettle fur cap?

His mudder said Hush!
And she laught mit delight
I tink I give dot
To your Poppa tonight!

I recently visited my Mom for Christmas, who is getting up there in years. Since the last time I saw her, she purchased an in-the-ear hearing aid.

She was telling me all about how wonderful it was, and how her hearing was back to normal for the first time in years, and how she could hear things she had been missing for quite awhile.

Thats wonderful I said. What kind is it?

Oh, about 12:30 she said.

Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.

A merchant ordered 500 turkeys for the Christmas season. A few weeks before the holiday, however, his sales dropped sharply.

Afraid that he wouldnt be able to sell all the turkeys, he phoned the distributor and instructed him to Cut my order in half!

When his order arrived, guess what it contained?

Five hundred turkeys, of course, each cut in half!

Its really amazing how easy it is to misunderstand a message and sometimes rather embarassing, but funny!

What does a redneck say before he gets injured?

Santa on Trial



You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:



Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole



Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go



Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Workers Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees



You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year



Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly



Failing to file a flight plan for your travels



Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year



Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up



And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a drivers or pilots licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.



Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?

Some time ago, someone had posted an article saying how the existance of Santa Claus was impossible. I took this article and sent it to a number of friends on campus. Somehow, it got to one of the professors on campus by the name of Ted Davis. He wrote the following reply.

Dear Mr. Crowell:

The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision. The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known with tremendous precision. His direction of flight is, as you say, essentially east to west.

All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of Mr Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary application of Heisenbergs uncertainty principle yields the result that Santas location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly imprecise. In other words, he is smeared out over the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is smeared out within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.

In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black holes, and who really doubts their existence anymore?

Hence, to sum up my reply: Yes, Virginia, there is a Bob Knight, and there is an Indiana. Now, what were we talking about…?

Yrs sincerely,

E.B. Davis, Ph.D., A.B.D., I.D.I.O.T., Fellow

Its the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

Please let me in, says the man desperately. I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I dont come home with one.

Okay, says the butcher. Let me see what I have left. He goes into the freezer and discovers that theres only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

Thats one is too skinny. What else you got? says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.

Oh, no, says the man, That one doesnt look any better. You better give me both of them!