Whats the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!

Why didnt the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tysons psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didnt say two!

Tysons favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson….instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. Evander was Van Goghd in the third!!!

Cant beat um…Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander the Real Meal Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mikes trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were
each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to
another and said, So, what did you bring? The second
convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become
the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first, What
did you bring? The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, I brought cards. I can play poker,
solitaire and gin, and any number of games. The third convict,
who was a Vol fan, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What
did you bring? The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said I brought these.

The other two were puzzled and asked – What can you do with
those? He grinned and pointed to the box and said – Well
according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating….

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.

The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.

Joke found on http://www.jokedepot.com

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank managers favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Seahawks fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, Its my first wifes birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The Seahawks fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back. But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.

The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!

Thanks, your most Royal highness, the Steelers fan replies. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.

Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave, the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be? the Sheik asks.

Tie the Browns fan to my back.

A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the
embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was
lying on the table.

Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss,
he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement
there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and
immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the
cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. Sir, youve got to
come down and help me, Ive just seen something I cant believe.

Annoyed by the naivet of his assistant, he said OK and followed him
downstairs. There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I
couldnt imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please
you do it.

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked
to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song
started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to
his assistant and said: Whats so surprising about that. Ive heard
thousands of assholes sing that song.