LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

Very well, said the gatekeeper of Heaven. But you realize, I hope, that weve got all the good players and the best coaches.

I know, and thats all right, Satan answered unperturbed. Weve got all the umpires.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as its in a snowstorm and youre following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Dont go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until its time for the real thing!

Murphys Laws of Martial Arts

Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when youre up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attackers father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when its your turn.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

A burglary was recently committed at West Hams ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup. Snow White says Well at least Dopeys alive!

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!

The cups man! Save the cups! cries George.

Uh, the fire hasnt spread to the canteen yet, sir.

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said theyd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what its like to ride on an open-top bus.

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
Ill do anything for 3 points, he said when questioned.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said we dont just need points now, we need snookers!

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

Tickets to a Steelers/Browns game: $80.00

Authentic Steelers Jersey: $95.00

Hot Dog and Drink: $11.50

Temporary Tattoo: $8.50

Teaching your son to hate the Browns by age 5: Priceless!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

A guy took his girlfriend to her first Steelers game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.

What do you mean? he asked.

Well, everyone kept yelling Get the quarter back!