Digger Phelps Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

Basketball is a game of two halves.

We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.

Youre either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.

Hes like all great players — not great yet.

You dont score 86 points without being able to shoot.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

The horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Clean Sheets
3. Bare Belly
4. Thighs
5. Silk Panties
6. Big Johnson
7. Conscience
8. Heavy Bosom
9. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry

At the post: Aaaaaand theyre off !!! Conscience is left behind at
the post. Jockey Shorts and Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is
being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big
Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark: Its Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and
Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against
Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At the stretch: Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is
making the final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish: Its Big Johnson giving everything hes got !!!…and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer !!! It
looks like a dead heat but BIG JOHNSON squirts through and wins by a
head!!!

WHOHHH!! Heavy Bosom weakens, and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had
a chance…………

Top Baseball Player Demands

From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994

In case anyone has oded on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]

No team flights on Continental Airlines.

Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.

Make it legal to cork their pants.

Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.

No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]

Two words: Streisand tickets.

Every team has to have at least one player named Mookie.

Plenty of dugout Slimfast.

Put an on-deck circle in Madonnas bed.

More games against the Mets.

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site

9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.

8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayors office are named either Ingrid or Sven.

7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.

6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldnt think the term New York City Hospitality Committee is an oxymoron.

5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.

4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.

3. Miss Salt Lake for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.

2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site…

1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.

This list is copyrighted by Chris White.

One day Jim complained to his friend, My elbow really
hurts, I guess I should see a doctor. His friend offered. Dont do that.
Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine
and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you
can do about it. It only cost $10.

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arms in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the
machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again
made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They arent yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you dont stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, Old MacDonald had a ________.

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasnt watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. Pssst. Tiny. Whats the answer to the last question?

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadnt noticed then he turned to Bubba. Bubba, youre so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.

Oh yeah, said Bubba. I remember now.

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tinys shoulder again, he whispered, Tiny, how do you spell farm?

You are really dumb, Bubba. Thats so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
The teams kipper!

Ref: Im sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!

Supplemental Rules for Bowling

If you holler overs! before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the overs.

When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game, and your team still has a chance.

After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

When you leave the 10-pin and you know you cant make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the Designated Bowler rule.

After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say Kings X and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, Fair is Fair.

If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking down pins, by golly, you get them! Thats much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be properly recognized.

A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball – burial at sea, dropped from an airplane into a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

Top Ten Signs youre Not Watching a Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

They keep shouting Do over!

When umpire yells, Strike 3! batter looks at him as if the dudes speaking French.

Try as they might, they just cant scratch themselves like professionals.

First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts Dinner time!

Players constantly adjusting each others cups.

You overheard the coach yelling, Run, Forrest, run!

They play like the Mets.