A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, Its not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, Its not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, Its not a raft. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, How long has it been since youve had a cigarette?

Ten years!, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!

Then she asked, How long has it been since youve had a drink of whiskey?

He replies, Ten years!

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, Wow, thats fantastic!

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since youve had some real fun?

And the man replies, Wow! Dont tell me that youve got golf clubs in there!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

Two boys are playing football in a Pennsylvania State Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A Post Gazette reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

Young Steelers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Steelers fan, the little hero replied.

Sorry, since we are in Pennsylvania, I just assumed you were, said the reporter and starts again.

Little Eagles Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not an Eagles fan either, the boy said.

I assumed everyone in Pennsylvania was either for the Steelers or the Eagles. What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Browns fan, the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, Juvenile Cleveland Fan Brutally Kills Beloved Family Pet.

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

Whats tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

I picked up Jose Canseco’s new book about steroids and it’s amazing.

When I bought it, it was 175 pages. I put it on the table overnight, and the next morning it’s up to 225. It’s amazing.