What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!

Why arent football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!

Manager: Ill give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a years time?
Young player: OK, Ill come back in a years time!

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?

Were the crowd not behind you asked the reporter

They were right behind me all right, said the manager, But I managed to shake them off at the station!

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Our team is doing so badly that Manager of the Month isnt an award.
Its an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!

Which insect didnt play well in goal?
The fumble bee!

Digger Phelps Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

Basketball is a game of two halves.

We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.

Youre either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.

Hes like all great players — not great yet.

You dont score 86 points without being able to shoot.

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen
old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his
pants pockets.

On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him,
so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a
while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit
embarrassed, he said to the lady, Its all right maam, theyre just
golf balls.

She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
Tell me – is that something like tennis elbow?

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar cant jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic!

Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but cant stand in the sits!

What do you get if you drop a piano on a teams defence?
A flat back four!

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.