Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but cant find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Extract from an Australian Mills & Boon (one of those romance books)

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the

now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted

into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:

Baaaa, then re-joined the flock.

How do you know youre at a bulimic bachelor party? When the cake jumps out of the girl!

A guy goes for his annual check-up, and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results.

Well, says the doc, Youre in pretty good health, however I do have some good news and bad news for you.

Give me the GOOD news first. requests the guy.

Youre penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical.

Thats GREAT! exclaims the guy, but whats the BAD news?

The doctor replies, Its malignant!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

Well, said the first one, I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.

I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.

Ive got you both beat, said the third.

I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.

Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, What the hells the matter with you two?

Didnt you hear me blowing the horn? You couldve been killed!

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

And what if I swallow it?

No problem, says the barber.

Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasnt touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Hey pal, is something wrong?

Yeah,… Im really depressed

Why, whats the matter?

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

Wow, thats horrible. What did you do?

I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing its over

Thats pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

I sat him down… tied him up… looked him straight in the eye… and said… Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldnt resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldnt climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife……

Honey, do you notice anything different about me???

She took one look at him, and said Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face.

There was this couple once who had everything; the son and daughter, a house, a cat… I mean the basic stuff. Well I guess as the got older they started to lose their sex drive. This discouraged the husband so he went to the doctor and got some extra strength Viagra even though it was still in its trial phase. Well the doctor told him, only one pill a day, and Ill call you at the end of the week.
So the doctor calls at the end of the week and asks how well the pills are working.
The man replies, Oh their great! I havent had sex like this for 10 years!
The doctor tells him to keep it up, and remember… only ONE pill a day.
The wife found out however and started slipping him an extra pill each day without him knowing. So when the doctor called and asked how everything was holding up the man replied, Im addicted! I havent had sex like this since I was 16! Now the doctor was kind of suspicious but just let it go and decided to call him at the end of next week. Meanwhile, the greedy wife (who was loving it) started giving him 3 doses of xtra strength viagra a day.
The doctor called at the same time next week, but this time a little boy answered the phone. Are your parents there? the doctor asked.
Well… they are but there locked in their room and wont come out. The boy answered.
Ok.. Ill call back in 3 hours. The doctor promised; but when he called back the boy answered the phone again.
You just missed them… they came down and got a drink and ran right back upstairs. The boy informed him.
Listen Ill be there in 5 minutes! The doctor by this time had a pretty good idea what was going on and rushed over there as fast as he could; but being unreliable, he got there an hour later.
When he knocked on the door the little boy answered the door. In desperation the doctor asked where the boys parents were.
The boy took a deep breath and said, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts, and dads looking for the cat.

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