Why does miss Piggy douche with honey??

Cause Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!! lol

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified husband, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to… to… cut it off, are you?

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, No, You are!!! Im going to set the garage on fire.

A man and his wife went to the doctors office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The man was slightly deaf and said, What? Again, the doctor said, I need a blood, urine and feces sample.

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear: Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!

Judge: Well, Tawanda, as I understand the charges, your man, Tyrone came home drunk the other night and violated you. And you want him put away for a while.

Tawanda: Not exactly, your Honor. He did as you say, but then hed done that many times before. This time, when he was done violating me, he went and grabbed little Annie with the glasses and violated her!

Judge: Oh, I see. I guess that would be the last straw!

Tawanda: Oh, no your Honor. Hed done that twice before, also. The last straw was when he put little Annies glasses on his violator and said, Look around big boy and see if you missed anybody!

What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan?

One dead person in ten trashcans

I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies. I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon.

Three generations of prostitutes were on vacation and discussing their profession when the youngest mentioned how upset she was that she was only recieving $100 dollars to give a blow job. Her mother then told her of how about 25 yrs. earlier she herself had only been getting $50 dollars for a blow job. The grand mother, after hearing all of this pipes up and says, I remember back during the Great Depression, we were just happy to get something warm in our stomach!

What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea? You didnt?! Its all over town!