An 83-year old woman decided that shed seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasnt certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesnt really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

Wow, comments the midget, those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!

Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, says the little fellow, but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the mans balls, and says loudly,
Okay, hand me your wallet or Ill jump off the ladder.

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degreein journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired himwas to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he wentback to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmershouse way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer andproceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young manasked, Has anything ever happened around here that made youhappy?

The farmer thought for a minute and said, Yep! One time one ofmy neighbors sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Weall screwed it and took it back home.

I cant print that! the young man exclaimed.

Can you think ofanything else that happened that made you or a lot of other peoplehappy?

After another moment, the farmer said, Yeah, one time myneighbors daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a bigposse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we tookher back home.

Again, the young man said I cant print that either. Has anythingever happened around here that made you sad?

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after afew seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, I gotlost once.

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!

The neightbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasnt worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?

The wife put down her drink and said, Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesnt do wonders cleaning this
up, Ill eat every chunk of it.

She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup on that?

The salesman says, Why do you ask?

She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned
on yet.

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, Come here quick, Charlie! Im paralyzed! I cant get up!

He comes in, takes a look, and says, Stand up, you silly old bat. Youre kneeling on one of your tits.

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would have left President Clinton a long time ago.

In response, Clinton said, Well if Pamela Anderson were Hillary, nothing would ever have happened in the first place!

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats wrong?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend.

Wow, exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.

No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, What did you do?

I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.

That makes sense, said the bartender, but what about your best friend?

The man replied, I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, BAD DOG!

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.

Good God Holmes! said Watson, What kind of a schoolgirl is this?

Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.

The young man said I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning! He then continues and says it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.

The uncle says with a confused look Um son we dont have a cow…We have a bull!