A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so hes going to live with us just like one of the family.

Hell eat at the same table with us. Hell even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.

But what about the smell? the friend asked.

Oh, hell just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

Vinnie walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, I want to buy some toilet paper.

She says, What colour would you like?

He says, Give me white. Ill colour it myself.

Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend?

Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?

I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)

Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!

Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison….. and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison.

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
Im a big girl I wont cry,
Im just glad that cows dont fly.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry! she said, Stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue.

Whats this, honey? the husband inquired as he entered the room.

Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly.

The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here, he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

Im sorry sir, but I am blind and cant read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, Ill smell it and order from there.

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind mans table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

Ahh, yes thats what Ill have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owners wife and he tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

Sir, remember ? Im the blind man.

Im sorry, I didnt recognise you. Ill go get you a dirty fork.

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, That smells great, Ill take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in hes going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says…

Hey! I didnt know that Mary worked here!

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.

The men left the doctors office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctors words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, If you bend over to pick that up, were both dead.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Wanna hear a clean joke? Joe played with Bubbles!!! Wanna hear a dirty joke?? Bubbles was the girl next door!!!

Why did God make farts smelly? So deaf people can enjoy them too!