A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is definitely and its meaning is absolute, positive, without a doubt.

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, The sky is definitely blue.

The teacher replies to her, Well, thats a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?

Toms hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, The water is definitely clear.

Well, Tom thats a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes its green, and sometimes its full of seaweed so its not definitely clear. Anyone else?

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

Yes, Robert?

asks the teacher.

Can I ask a question, teacher?

Robert replies.

Yes.

Do farts have lumps?

No. Why do you ask.

Well, then Ive definitely pooped in my pants.

Little Harley kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Harley said, I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and Im very proud of that fact.

The teacher says, If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?

Little Harley agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Harley dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.Harley was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Harley peeked up underneath her skirt.

No wonder you won! he exclaimed indignantly, youve got a Double-Barrel!

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps.

The guy says Well, Ive suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!

Wow, that must have been hard! the bartender says What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?

The guy at the bar replies Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!

A woman walks into a doctors surgery with a huge boil on her arse.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.

He says, This is too big a job for me.

So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says,

This is no problem.
Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.

Gus stops what hes doing, looks up and says,
You know lady, its people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if theyll keep their hands off his Virginal daughter while hes at the bank getting the money.

But when he gets back, he finds all three on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.

The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. Shove them up you ass, orders the farmer.

The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done.

Youre free to go, the farmer says to him, but do you mind if I ask whats so damn funny?

Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, The third guys still out there, picking Watermelons.

Hallmark Cards That Never Made It

Im Sorry!
My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat!

Get Well Soon
You had your bladder removed,
and youre on the mend.
Heres a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.

Bad Hangover
You totaled your car
And cant remember why.
Could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

Cheer Up
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be,
But dont fret about it,
She moved in with me!

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast… eggs, bacon, toast…
The husband says: No, Im not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite.

Later in the day, the wife says: Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets…

The husband again refuses, Im just not hungry after using that viagra.

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, Are you hungry yet?, Ill fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls.

The husband still refuses, No, that Viagra just kills my appetite.

The wife then firmly says well, Im getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!

This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.

The vet says. I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out. The vet – a 70 year old man – inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer – a young healthy man – and says, you look like a strong man, why dont you give it a try.

The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.

Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for.

The farmer replies, You dont think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on.

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly check up. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.

Its fine, says the old man. I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me.

The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.

Oh, my God! says the daughter.

Hes been using the fridge again!