There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.

At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets.

So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

The stewardess said, Im sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.

On Freds 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Freds 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.

What do you mean you dont want me to do it any more, she said baffled by his actions.

I just dont want you to hold me anymore, replied Fred.

Why, is there someone else?

Actually there is, Fred shamefully admitted.

Well what does she have that I dont have?

Parkinsons, replied Fred.

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand hell get scared away," the boy said. He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands hell get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."

Girl: Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Priest: What have you done my child?

Girl: I called a man a son of a bitch.

Priest: Why did you call him a son of a bitch?

Girl: Because he touched my hand.

Priest: Like this?

(as he touches her hand) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he touched my breast.

Priest: Like this?

(as he touched her breast) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he took off my clothes, father.

Priest: Like this?

(as he takes off her clothes) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.

Priest: Like this?

(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!! Priest: (after a few minutes): Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: But father he had AIDS! Priest: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

Whats the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids dont eat broccoli!

Whats brown and sits in the forest?Winnies Pooh.

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.

Good God Holmes! said Watson, What kind of a schoolgirl is this?

Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing hed come across was, er, female juices.

But youre balder than I am, protested the customer.

True, admitted the barber, but youve gotta admit Ive got one hell of a moustache!

Whats grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.Whats even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.