Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You wont be crazy forever.

If you are blonde dont press any buttons, youll just mess it up.

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because women dont keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!

One day a woman who was about 65 years old wanted to get a tatoo. She went to the nearest tatoo parlor and told the man the she wanted one tatoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and one of Evander Holyfield on the other. The man said to the woman that he wasnt sure if he could do that, but he would try. So the woman said ok and went to the back with the man. It was a long process. When it was finally finished the woman lifted up her skirt and asked the man, Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?

Not really, said the man, But it looks ok.

The woman was very pleased and walked out of the tatoo parlor. When she walked out she asked a younger man if the tatoos on her thighs loked like Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield. The man replied with a yeah sort of. Next the woman saw and older man. She went up to him and lifted up her skirt and asked him, Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?

The man said, No, but the one in the middle looks like Don King.

a man decided to go out fishing. while he was fishing his pole started to yank hard. so the man started wheeling in as fast and hard as he could. he saw the fish and it was pretty big.he said to himself ooo i can take this one home for dinner. then the fish sayed… if u free me i will grant u 3 wishes…BUT!…on your wishes your neighbor will have twice as much. so the man sayed ok…i wish to have a huge beautiful house.BOOM! theres a huge beautiful house house. but he sees his neighbor with two huge beautiful houses…so the man gets kinda jealous but o well. so goes on to his next wish…i wish had a nice red ferrari ok BOOM! there it is but he sees his neighbor with 2 of them! now this guy is really mad and says i wish i wish i had 1 of my testicles removed. ok ..BOOM! then he hears a big scream comming from hi s neighbor i think u get y.

Peter goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they didnt smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week Peter goes back. Doctor, he says, I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.

Good, the doctor said. Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing.

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was OCCUPIED. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.

The buttons were marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, WOW, the women really have it made!.

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!

The button marked PP yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.

Well, naturally he couldnt resist the last button marked ATR. When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!

The nurse replied, Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow!

Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a beer.After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents,Bruce came up with a brilliant idea.

Ill take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free! He went into a butchers shop and bought a single sausage,which he stuck in Joes fly. They then went to a nearby bar.

Two beers, said Bruce to the barman. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joes fly.

Get out of my bar, you gay bastards! the barman screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.

I just cant do this anymore, Bruce whined.

My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. Well have to swap places.

We cant, said Joe.

We lost the sausage after the third pub.

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!

The captain then called for his first mate and said, First mate, bring me my red shirt! The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.

The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, Captain, two pirate ships closing fast! Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, First mate, bring me my red shirt! The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.

During the celebration the first-mate asked, Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?

The answer is simple. That way, if Im injured, the crew wont know and they wont lose hope.

Just then the lookout burst through the door, Captain, ten ships closing fast!

First mate, bring me my brown pants!

ART FART= its such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts dont stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You cant control the blow out.

BEER FARTS= These come out of every can and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You cant hear it, you cant see it, and you cant smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When youre home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as gas.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper PIG!

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a Unidentified Foul Odor.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands Stop That!.

The waiter looks at her dryly and says Sure lady, which way is it headed?