A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay.

No, Im not, the guy replies.

I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Well, asks the bartender, what did you say to your wife?

Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore.

Well, what did you say to your best friend?

BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home.

A woman walks into a doctors surgery with a huge boil on her arse.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.

He says, This is too big a job for me.

So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says,

This is no problem.
Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.

Gus stops what hes doing, looks up and says,
You know lady, its people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.

Follow me.

he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peters keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldnt resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious.

If you do that again, youll go straight to hell! Follow me, were almost there.

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

Why is it so god damn cold down here?

Peter asks.

Well, you just try bending down for firewood!! The devil replied.

Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbours 10 year old daughters rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage, hoping its death would be written off as natural causes.

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbours Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girls dead rabbit and put it back in its cage??

One day 3 dogs wer sitting in front of the vets office. The 1st dog notcies the othher dogs and asked them what they did.

i ate my owners cord said the first dog.

and im getting put 2 sleep.

me 2said the 2nd dog.

what did u doasked the 1st dog to the 3rd dog.

well u c my owner likes 2 do her house work in the nude so yesterday she was vacuuming in the nude of course and i couldnt resist i jumped on and had the ride of my life.

responded the 3rd dog.

so your getting put 2 sleep 2?

asked the 2nd dog.

no, im getting my nails trimmed.

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand hes holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in.

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

Its beautiful! cried the man, Does he do any tricks?

Yes he does, answered the salesman. If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing Jingle Bells. And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Amazing! exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that hed bought.

Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know know any tricks? asked the wife. The man smiled and said, Watch this. Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing Jingle Bells. Then he put the match under the birds left foot, and it began to sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Thats incredible! Does he do anything else? the wife asked.

I dont know, lets see. replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steves body, Bob and Jeff realize theyll have to inform his wife. Bob says hes good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. So did you tell her? asks Jeff.

Yep, replies Bob.

Say, where did you get the six-pack?

She gave it to me.

What? exclaims Jeff. You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?

Sure, Bob says.

Why? asks Jeff.

Well, Bob continues, when she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steves widow. Widow, she said, no, no, youre mistaken. Im not a widow.

So I said, Ill bet you a six-pack you are!

Did you hear about the Aggie that was up all night studying for his urinal test?