You so ugly, your mama put you next to a piece of crap and said "Twins!"

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now Im afraid to pee.

Two sailors and a nun are stranded on a desert island.After spending one one month on the island with the sailors the nun is so disgusted with their behaviour she commits suicide, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they bury her, after another month the sailors are so disgusted with their behaviour they dig her back up again.

Why was OJs mom happy that OJ got out of jail before Thanksgiving?

He was the only one in the family that could carve white meat.

Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline

1. You cant board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, Just once.

7. No movie. Dont need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8. You see a man with a gun, but hes demanding to be let off the plane.

9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and "dress decent". No, I want to show off my rosebuds! she said and bounded out the door. The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, Im so embarrassed! No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.

He says, Come on, babe, lets go in the alleyway and get it on. Ive got fifteen bucks.

She says, FIFTEEN bucks? Youre crazy. For fifteen bucks, Ill let you LOOK at it.

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he cant see anything, because its too dark, so he gets out his lighter.

He lights his lighter, and he says, My God, your pubic hair… its so curly and thick… its BEAUTIFUL.

She says, Thank you.

He says, You mind if I ask you a personal question?

She says, Go ahead.

He says, Can you PEE through all that hair?

She says, Of course.

He says, Well, you better start. Youre on fire.

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

Its in case I get shot. I dont want you crew members to see blood and freak out.

Thats very sensible, sir.

At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

Get my brown pants.

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you area manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press, as no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mothers maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

12. Greenpeace wont let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.

11. Neighborhood kids offer: Mow your Volvo, sir?

10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.

9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.

8. Wash Me appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.

7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.

6. Your cell phone antenna is really a sapling which took root.

5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.

4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.

3. Kids write PLOW ME! on your trunk.

2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!