A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some bad news. You have HAGS. What is HAGS the man asks.

Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

The father of 17 kids goes to the docs with a rash on his belly.

All right says the Doc, drop em and lets have a look.

Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims Yes, youve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls youve got. Theyre truly remarkable!.

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says Look Doc, what about the rash?

Oh thats easy, said the Doc, Heres some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask…..

No, said the patient, You cant. Now, is that all Doc?

Well, said the Doctor, You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day, and those really are the brownest balls Ive ever seen!

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

What?

she yells, Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I havent even got time to wipe my arse!

Ah he said, And thats another thing I wanted to talk to you about…

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. What the hell is this? he asks the pastor. Why, its a toilet brush. Ooh, I see, says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working. Well, its okay, but I think Ill go back to using paper.

Whats the difference between love,true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up.

The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, I have some bad news, you only have about two weeks left to live.

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?

The doctor thinks for a moment. There is one thing that you could do.

Just name it, Ill do whatever it is. He tells the man to take a lot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, Will that help my condition?

The doctor says, No, but it will get you used to the dirt!

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.

The farmer replied, Well, you know, dogs dont talk.

The ventriloquist said, Youd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.

Hi there, Mr. dog, said the ventriloquist. How does the farmer treat you? To which the dog replied, Oh, hes great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!

Needless to say, the farmer was dumfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmers horse.

Well, you know, horses dont talk.

Again the ventriloquist said, Youd be surprised what a horse might tell you. So the farmer brought out his horse. Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you? asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, Oh, I think hes great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!

Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?

Well, declared the farmer, Sheep lie, ya know.

Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet? A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.

12. Greenpeace wont let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.

11. Neighborhood kids offer: Mow your Volvo, sir?

10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.

9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.

8. Wash Me appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.

7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.

6. Your cell phone antenna is really a sapling which took root.

5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.

4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.

3. Kids write PLOW ME! on your trunk.

2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!

I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

Thats a shame.

said his friend , How did it happen?

She wouldnt eat the mushrooms.

What is grosser than gross?

Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?