A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent.

Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.

Oh, sherry by all means! she replied.

Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, Im lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and Im carried into another world.

Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.

Didja hear that diarrheas hereditary? Yeah, it runs in the jeans!

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.

The men left the doctors office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctors words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, If you bend over to pick that up, were both dead.

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, Beerrr!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,lemonadeee!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling wheeeeeeeee!!!

A man went into the proctologists office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctors desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but whats the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

two men were shipwrecked on a desert island inhabited by canibals, the cheif said that he was a fair man, and that he wouldnt eat the men if they went into the rainforest and brought out a wheelbarrow of his favourite fruit, the first man came out with grapes, and the cheif said sorry, but i will give you one more chance, if you can push all of those up your bum without laughing, i will let you go. the man gets to the last one and bursts out laughing, the cheif asks him why he started laughing, the man replied, i just saw my mate and he has a barrow full of coconuts!

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old mans peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.

Thats okay, the old man replies after a moment. Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocalate off the M&Ms.

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other-wise, its total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, hes finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded West Virginian standing there. Names Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin a party Saturday. Thought youd like to come.

Great, says Sam. After six months of this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. As Enoch is leaving he stops, Gotta warn you, theres gonna be some drinkin.

Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin, too.

Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. Well, I get along with people. Ill be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door. Ive seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

Now thats not a problem, says Sam. Remember Ive been alone for six months! Ill definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, Whatever you want. Its just gonna be the two of us.

Q: Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

A: The taste.