After a long night of intimacy, a young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. Is this your husband?

No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to him.

Your boyfriend then? he asked.

No, not at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.

Well, who is he then? asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, Thats me before the surgery.

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. You will die on an American holiday.

Which one? asked bin Laden.

It dont matter, said the psychic. The day you die will be made into an American holiday.

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant."Its in case I get shot. I dont want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "Thats very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned."Get my brown pants."

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, IF YOU DONT JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE ILL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, did you jump?

The boy said, A little at first!

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, He isnt here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.

By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, Youre sure he isnt here?

The bartender says, Yes, Im very sure.

The lady says, Well, I just wanted to tell him theres no toilet paper or soap in the womens restroom.

Why does Peter Pan fly?

You would fly too if somebody hit your peter with a pan!

What went through the flys mind as he hit the windshield? His Butt!

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

Im sorry sir, but I am blind and cant read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, Ill smell it and order from there.

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind mans table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

Ahh, yes thats what Ill have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owners wife and he tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

Sir, remember ? Im the blind man.

Im sorry, I didnt recognise you. Ill go get you a dirty fork.

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, That smells great, Ill take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in hes going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says…

Hey! I didnt know that Mary worked here!

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.

A man was walking through the desert and had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, Good God, give me some food!

As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up… There was a leper painting the ceiling.