I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies.

I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters.

Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters.

I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.

Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off ya.

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?

Look how well its built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.

Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Fence-Builder? Nooo..

Then the old man gestured at the bar. Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and polished it is?

I planed that surface down by me own achin back. Carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eighteen days I worked.

But do they call me McGregor-the-Great- Bar-builder? Nooo…

Then the old man points out the window. Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see?

I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board, hands blistered and swollen by the salt.

But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Pier-Builder? Nooo…

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. Ya screw one little goat . . .

There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.

The boys mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.

So he took his boy aside one day and told him, Listen son, dont go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, theyve got teeth down there.

The boy listened intently to his fathers advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.

So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.

He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.

They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his fathers advice and shies away.

Whats wrong? she asks. Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there replied the young man.

Of course we havent got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like.

So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and hes poking around, examining the ladys most private parts.

Hmmmm. I dont see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums.

A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?

The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, Tell you what – why don’t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you’ve got something really big and hard down there, and they’ll want you.

So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can’t understand what’s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, What am I doing wrong? You said they’d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!

Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, Youre right,that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm.

A blond walks into a bar and orders 2 shots then she says one of the pain and one for the glory. and she does it again the bartender finaly asks whats up with the pain and the glory? She says well it started when I was cleaning my house in the nude and I bent over to pick something off the floor and my greyhound mounted me . the bartender responds what was the glory then she responds that was the glory the pain was when he trew me out side when he was threw ….

Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????

Answer- The one with the dirty knees….

Q: What do lesbians do on their period?

A: Finger Paint

O.J. was on a talk show recently and was asked if he would ever get married again.

He replied..Sure…Id love to take another stab at it..!!!

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.

Im so ashamed, Doctor, she said, I guess I let myself go.

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.

Dont feel ashamed, Miss. You dont look that bad.

Do you really think so, Doctor?

she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.