A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blonde: Sir, did you call for me?

New Man: No, I just got here.

Blonde: You must be new here, its a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me. The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: Sir, did you call for me?

New Man: No, I just got here.

Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me. The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist…

New Man: Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.

Receptionist: But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….

New Man: (Rudely interrupting) Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.” The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind.

Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground.

He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning I need you.

The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely….he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off.

Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, What the hell are you doing?

I got your message, replied the foreman. I just wanted to let you know that I was coming.

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and splash theyre all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

Three long years Ive spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some prick puts a swimming cap on me !!

A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room, where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention he yelled out, SUPER SEX!, Super Sex!

The ladies yelled back: I want the SOUP!, Soup, Please.

Oh, Id love some soup!

Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.

New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.

Viagra in Spanish, were told, is viejos agradecidos or greated old guys (sic).

Viagra has been a big boon to stand up comedians.

The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, hes hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars – you eat it, She says, Oh, Oh Henry!

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: Who put Viagra in the thermometer?

Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name Pepperidge Firm.

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.

I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, Deepest Condolences, and sent the card to the funeral home that said, I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it!

A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands."Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands.""In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Responding to a woman who accidentally walked into a mens toilet:

Please dont feel bad. It wasnt you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Its rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the toilet, start to piss, and then just start spinning around just so I make sure I hit something.
You see something you ladies should understand by now is that mens penises have minds of their own. A guy can go into a toilet stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. Im telling you those little buggers cant be trusted.

After being married for 28 years, my wife has me trained. Im no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. Im required to sit down and piss. She has me convinced that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a piss-soaked seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now theres another thing us guys dont usually like to talk about, but since you and I have become such good friends and you think Im a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because its a real problem and you ladies need to be understanding.

Its the dreaded morning wood. Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to piss and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you cant get that thing to bend and if it wont bend you cant aim. Well hell, if you cant aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and the damn fuzzy toilet seat cover that you women insist on putting on the toilet.

So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when youre newly married, you think you can get the toilet seat with the damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your willie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, its just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.
I told her, Look, it wont bend.
She said, So sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.

OK, I tried sitting down on the toilet with morning wood.

Well, its very hard to get it bent under the seat and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the seat, when you start to pee it shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split-second precision, but its the only sure way to get all the piss in the bowl during the first morning session.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Its not our fault; its Mother Nature. Now if it were Father Nature, there wouldnt have been a problem.

Girl: Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Priest: What have you done my child?

Girl: I called a man a son of a bitch.

Priest: Why did you call him a son of a bitch?

Girl: Because he touched my hand.

Priest: Like this?

(as he touches her hand) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he touched my breast.

Priest: Like this?

(as he touched her breast) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he took off my clothes, father.

Priest: Like this?

(as he takes off her clothes) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.

Priest: Like this?

(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!! Priest: (after a few minutes): Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: But father he had AIDS! Priest: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!