A woman goes into the doctors office and says Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they dont smell…In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!

The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, Take these for a week and then come back to see me.

A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?

Doctor: Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing…

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?

Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.

HOW MANY BABIES CAN YOU PUT IN A SANDWICH DEPENDS HOW THINELY YOU SLICE THEM.

Y DO U PUT A BABY IN FEET FIRST IN A BLENDER…SO U CAN SEE ITS FACIAL EXPRESSION.

WATS 4FT LONG AND MAKES MOTHERES CRY.COTT DEATH

Saddams wife is upset at her husbands funeral. You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit.

The mortician says Well take care of it, maam, then turns and yells into the back room, Hey Ammar, switch the heads on two and four!

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon.

Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight woman on the street?

Well, two of them held the woman while the third one did her hair.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man but I dont think he can live with my problems. So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. How did you do that? she asked.

The little boy said, Thats my dog! He can dish it out, but he cant take it!

Whats the diference in a bowling ball & a prostitute?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Theres a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later. When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctors only reaction to this was…

Its good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing….