Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides hed be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. Youve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, Ill need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-

Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wont even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what youve done to yourself.

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, Shhh, theyre getting closer.

What do a bungee jump and hooker have in common?

Theyre both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead!

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

Is it a boy or girl Gorilla? the service guy asks.

Boy, is the mans response.

Oh yeah, I can do it. Ill be right there, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: Now, Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.

The man asks, What do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

What is grosser than gross?

Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasnt aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

Thats fantastic, the man said. Hasnt he scored three bulls?

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

Yes Sir! , he announced to the crowd. This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware

I dont want any bloody glasses, the drunk replied. Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!

A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs.

Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient.

The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, Miss Jones, I said Prick his boil!

What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?

Two Test Tickles

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes, said the genie, But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.

The mans most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.

Lets see. My first wish is…

He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, …to live in a ten story luxury mansion.

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable. said the man.

There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

What is your final wish, Master? asked the genie.

I want to lose a testicle, said the man.

What do you tell a bitch with two black eyes?

Nothing. You done told the bitch twice already.