These two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.

When they return, the first guy says, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream.it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there.

Well, thats okay, says the second guy, but check _this_ out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!

Wow! says the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?

No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.

A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm. She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand.

Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.

The policeman asked, Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what youve got. Dont you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?

Look, sonny,…. What these people are looking at is 85 years old…But this friggin hat is BRAND NEW!

Whats in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? The captains log.

Whats the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids dont eat broccoli!

A doctor called up a fellow and said, Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.

The guy says, Yes, thats right. Is there anything wrong?

Well, the doctor replies, heres the thing. Theres another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s.

Oh, my God, the man said, what will I do, doc?

Well, Ive been giving this some thought, said the doctor, and heres what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

Then what? says the distraught man.

Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, Dont have sex with her!

Whats the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?

A blonde lets you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead lets you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

Why did God make farts smelly?

So deaf people can enjoy them too!

A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands.

Hey, says the Navyman, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands.

In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said Take one pill for a great night. The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the mans son sitting on the porch crying.

Whats wrong? they said. The boy replied, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts and dads in the basement yelling here kitty

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A.

Hes stopped in traffic and thinks, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; were not even moving.

He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, Excuse me, officer, whats the hold-up?

O.J. just found out the verdict, and hes all depressed. Hes lying down in the middle of the highway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesnt have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.

The man says, Oh really, how much have you collected so far.

The officer replies, So far, ten gallons.