What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at the nursing home.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here, so make it a good one.

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!

Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.

Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to pee in the boat!

Man goes to the doctor, Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?

Doctor scratches his head, says Ive never seen anything like it.

Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes.

The guy comes back in a week, his dick is still orange.

Doctor says, Lets see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style.

Guy says Im single, live alone, just a normal type.

Doctor: How do you spend your evenings?

I like to watch porno videos and eat Cheetos. Why?

Dr. Jones, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if theyre cured and ready to re-enter society.

So, Mr. Clark, the doctor says to one of his patients, I see by your chart that youve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once youre released?

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. Thats still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what its like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which Ive grown interested in lately.

Dr. Jones nods and says, Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.

The patient replies, And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didnt stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I havent felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, take me, young man, Take me!

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. Thats when he yelled, April Fool! And thats when I shot the son of a bitch!

what if you were fixing a bowl of cereal and when you took the first bite, it was PORKIN beans and cereal?

What if your knees were coconuts?

What if you opened up your backpack and there was an evil, bloody baby inside?

What if you were eating a candy bar and it had PORKIN beans instead of peanuts?

What if somebody stabbed you in your asshole with a used cake knife?

What if a gross, hairy eyeball was crawling up your leg?

What if you took a shower with a stinking, dead heart of an armadillo instead of soap?

What if you were stuck in a small, pitch-black closet with a thousand nasty sewer rats, and they were crawling over your body, especially your knees, neck, and mouth?

What if you were brushing your hair with a used tampon?

What if you bit into an apple and it was filled with cottage cheese – small curd?

What if you were ugly?

What if you were having sex with a diseased billy goat?

What if you took a bath in sweat from a woman named Bertha?

What if you had fresh produce and this sweaty cashier with nastiness on his hands touched it?

What if your skin was peanut brittle?

What if your skin was stucco?

What if your toes were penises?

What if your gel deodorant was mayonnaise?

What if your nuts were bleeding bile?

What if your eyes were nipples?

What if (you were a woman) you took off your maxi pad and it had boo boo in the front of it?

What if someone put pepper in your cereal?

What if GOD was one of us?

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florists son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is — its some flowers!"

"Thats right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owners daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is — its a box of candy!"

"Thats right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

What is it?"

"A puppy!"

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other-wise, its total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, hes finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded West Virginian standing there. Names Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin a party Saturday. Thought youd like to come.

Great, says Sam. After six months of this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. As Enoch is leaving he stops, Gotta warn you, theres gonna be some drinkin.

Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin, too.

Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. Well, I get along with people. Ill be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door. Ive seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

Now thats not a problem, says Sam. Remember Ive been alone for six months! Ill definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, Whatever you want. Its just gonna be the two of us.

The young lady entered the doctors office carrying an infant. Doctor, she explained, the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girls breasts.

He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

Young lady, he finally announced, no wonder the baby is losing weight, you havent any milk!

Of course not! she shrieked. Its not my child, its my sisters!

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him. "Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm." "Why dont you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily."Thats what I do when Im in the kitchen."