Whats the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids dont eat broccoli!

There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him. Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you? Well, the nurses around here wont let me fart!

Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?

Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.

Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmno_qrstuvwxyz.

Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but wheres the p?

Malcolm: Miss, its running down my leg!

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak, a potato, and a Coke please.

So the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal.

The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!

The panda calmly replied Do you know what I am?

Why yes, the barman answered.

Youre a panda.

Good, the panda nodded.

Now go home and look up panda in the dictionary.

And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found panda and quickly read the definition:

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.

The man replies This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love em.

The luckless man asks But why do you smell each one?

Well..

he replies, hes a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there.

Q:WHAT DID ONE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO THE OTHER

A:ILL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH 🙂

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.

In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.

Excuse me, sir he asked the old gentleman, where did you get all this money?

Vell, Ill tell you, the old man began, for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say Give me a dollar for Israel or Ill cut off your testicles vit my knife.

Thats quite a story, the customs agent said, whats in the second suitcase?

Vell, you know, said the old man, shaking his head, not everyone likes to give…

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, IF YOU DONT JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE ILL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, did you jump?

The boy said, A little at first!