A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, IF YOU DONT JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE ILL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, did you jump?

The boy said, A little at first!

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonels home for an evening of bridge.

The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonels wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.

When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonels wife smiled demurely, Dont worry about it, this is the first time all evening that Ive been able to tell what he has in his hand.

How did the mother know her daughter was masterbating during her period?

She was caught red-handed.

A young new salesman had just started his job at a General Store ,

His boss told him that they were overstocked with Lawnmowers. If he was to sell the most Lawnmowers that day he would get a bonus in his pay.

His first customer was a woman that asked him for Sanitary Napkins.

As he calmly reached for the box he asked her if she would like to buy a Lawnmower.

The woman replied in a stern voice what do I need a Lawnmower for?

The young salesman answered well you cant have sex so you might as well mow the lawn

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, hows about a quick screw? said Bert. Mabels answer as expected was, No Bert, its only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize.

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, It is still 5 days to go and as youve been a good fellow,
Ill let you have a little feel of your prize.

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, I can see what your problem is but youve still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize.

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabels skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, Mabel, do you think it will keep till Saturday?!?

A guy walked into the doctors office wanting a an appointment for some surgery.

Would you like to tell me your problem? the pretty receptionist asked. Ill need the information for the doctor.

Its rather embarrassing, the guy stammered. You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.

Well, the doctor is very busy today, the receptionist cooed, but maybe I can squeeze you in.

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis.

The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine.

I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon shed take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor.

Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.

She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? said the doctor. Aw hell, the patient explained.

Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.

Quirky Business Signs

* On the door of a dental office: We cater to cowards!

* On a plumbers truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

* On the trucks of a local plumbing company: Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

* Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

* Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

* In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

* Door of a plastic surgeons office: We can help you pick your nose!

* On an electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts.

* In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

* On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

* At an optometrists office: If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.

* In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait!

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket.

The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment.

The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesnt need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out.

The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter replied,

Thats easy…. I use the spoon.

Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven and attend an orientation.

They are all asked, When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say, Look! Hes moving!