Why dont chicken wear underpants?
Because their peckers on their face!

My name is Delores, and I have a Snotty Nose! All my friends tell me to grab tissue, but I say NO! I do not think that is necessary! I think my cousins best friends brothers sleeve looks much softer! so I blew and I blew and I mean I BLEW! And beleive me, I have not blown my nose for 8 years! thanx for listenin!

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.

They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

The answer is below, but think about it first…

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Answer: Dont look down.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

And what if I swallow it?

No problem, says the barber.

Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

Little Red Riding Hood was already to take lunch over to her grandmothers when her mother had handed her a shotgun.

Now, little red, you must be careful of the Big Bad Wolf, her mother explained.

He will lift up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off.

Ok, I will mother.

red assured her.

While going down the trail out came the big bad wolf just like her mother had warned.

Little Red Riding Hood! Im going to lift you little red dress up, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off!

Well with no hesitation, the wolf pulled up Little Red Riding Hoods little red dress and pulled down Little Red Riding Hoods little red panties, but just then with a clam and collected look, Little Red Riding Hood points the shot gun to the Big Bad Wolfs head and says, Your not going to screw my little red socks off. Your going to EAT me just like the book says!

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.

Doctor I think I have the crabs.

When was the last time you had sex?

The doctor asks.

I have never had sex. Im still a virgin.

she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.

After the examination he said, I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you dont have the crabs. The bad news is youve got fruit flies.

Fruit flies?

asks granny.

Yeah, says the doctor.

Your cherry rotted.

Dave had felt guilty all day long. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldnt. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while hed hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, Dave, dont worry about it, you werent the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you wont be the last. And youre single. Let it go!

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, Dave, youre a vet….

The most recent survey about women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs.

Another 15 percent preferred muscular legs.

The rest liked something in-between.

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his fathers house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girls feet.

Whats this, she asked.

Taste it, he replied, If you like it, Ill give you a whole one!

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room.

There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.

In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and Ive got to get to her NOW!

The other guy says, O.K. Do you want me to come with you?

What the hell for? asks the other.

Because thats MY dick youre holding! he says.