O.J. was on a talk show recently and was asked if he would ever get married again.

He replied..Sure…Id love to take another stab at it..!!!

On Freds 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Freds 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.

What do you mean you dont want me to do it any more, she said baffled by his actions.

I just dont want you to hold me anymore, replied Fred.

Why, is there someone else?

Actually there is, Fred shamefully admitted.

Well what does she have that I dont have?

Parkinsons, replied Fred.

Three marines were stranded on a desert island with a lovely young blonde.

After about 6 months the blonde, being so ashamed of what she had been doing, killed herself… About a year later, the marines, being a little ashamed of what they had been doing, buried her!!!

A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.

The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy.

The landlord says, Dont tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.

Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?

The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. Whats going on?

The man replies, Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuffs already gone.

A man paced nervously back and forth as his wife was in the delivery room. Finally the doctor emerged caring the infant. The man rushes over to the doctor, Is it a boy or a girl? he asks.

The doctor doesnt say a word, he just grabs the baby by the foot, swings the baby around his head and throws it up against a wall.

Outraged the man demands to know, What the heck are you doing?

Finally the doctor responds, April fools, the baby was alredy dead.

Q. Why did Terri Schivos husband find a girlfriend?

A. He doesnt like to eat vegetables.

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend. I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know its hot where youre going, but you deserve it."

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

Ymight be a redneck, if you clean your toilet by peein on the stains!

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, Beerrr!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,lemonadeee!!! Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling wheeeeeeeee!!!